Joe Schmoe got to come home from the vet. I am over joyed and still in shock. He wasn’t bad enough to be euthanized, the vet said.
He has a bad skin condition and he’s very over weight. He’s old as dirt but otherwise HEALTHY and doesn’t need to be put to sleep.
His back pain can be managed by weight loss and his skin issues have two pills a day. There’s a food change as well but that should not be that too expensive.
The vet asked if there had been any changes in the house and I mentioned my nurse leaving. He seemed to have a strong response to her leaving. I don’t know what that means. She commented that changes affect pets as well as people. He could feel loss.
Joe Schmoe got to come home. I’m beside myself.
I was so all over the place that I vomited. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. It was like I’d just won the lottery only better, like I’d gotten a second chance with someone, a resurrection of sorts. They gave him back to me. I can’t tell you how much I need this cat. Not a cat, *this* cat, Joe Schmoe.
There’s something to the depression thing after the last nurse was fired for saying I’m not disabled. He seemed affected by it. I did notice it I did. I feel guilty that I can’t keep a nurse for various reasons.
I feel bad that some of my friendships are rocky, one in particular. But that friendship is fizzling out. I’m letting it die down while others I’m growing and enjoying.
The world is still a dumpster fire. North Carolina got hit hard. Tampa is evacuating. Friends of mine here in Indiana are helping with emergency housing. I can’t help with emergency housing but I have a tiny few extra dollars I can donate for relief. I have and I will continue to do so.
I’m exhausted. Relieved. I want to pour my heart out I’m so happy he gets to stay. I’ve got to close my eyes. I’m way overly stimulated.
I’m pleased to have been able to finish this piece with its color symbolism and Scripture favorites. I like Jonah a lot. It often feels like I’m in the belly of a big fish with no way out just like he was.
I love the original meaning of the rainbow and how it is on God’s thrown as a symbol of peace so I added that to the image.
I know for a fact that hope does not lead to disappointment.
The last part of the image shows three distinct figures, a date and two blue hearts. The black child’s hair is hearts. Of course there are sunflowers. There must always be sunflowers. 🙂
Remember the brown Dr Martens I was super in love with? I purchased them after someone gave a surprise donation via PayPal?
Well, I had to go back for the black ones 🙂
These shoes are very amputee friendly. I can dress myself which is huge. I feel so normal and like myself in them. There’s nothing about them that’s been altered to fit that ever changing stump. I now have two really cool shoes that expand just right.
I even got the black shoes nearly half off.
Dr. Martens for the win, again. I swear I want to write him a letter and tell him how his shoes make me feel normal. I wont cause that’s weird, but I’m really happy this style hit the market.
I’m also grateful for fun compression socks 🙂 Fun compression socks and these shoes? I don’t know what to do with myself!
My CNA and I like each other very much. She said she’s here to stay. I believe her. But today was rough. She’s got a personal crisis. Instead of continuing to argue, right in the middle of the situation I said, I call grace. I choose to give grace.
I know something isn’t quite right. I’m not going to argue or raise my tone or question you. It’s over. I choose grace. She said nothing and got in the car to take me to the store where I found these beautiful discounted flowers.
Something very bad has happened in my aide’s life. I think I know what it is. I pray it isn’t. That’s way too hard to deal with. No flower can cover it.
Today I reassured her that I enjoy her company and like working with her. She smiled and said, I’ll see you tomorrow.
She doesn’t need nearly as much reassurance as I do.
I have a certified nurses aide with 30 years experience. I actually have quality care.
She’s African American, my age. We mesh well. We are polar opposites. My goodness she’s unorganized. Her car is so unorganized it makes me suicidal! I’ve never in my life… oh the chaos. The odd couple. But it works and it works well. I’m grateful for that.
I have prayed that I will learn a little more about humility * each time * I visit with my young Bible student or my CNA . Six days a week I’ve got an opportunity to mold myself into a better me by seeing my CNA.
I will style myself to be more gentle, slower with the heavy sarcasm, listen more, ask deeper questions, pause before I speak. I’ve got six opportunities where I can learn new skills.
My CNA may be professionally unorganized but she’s got humility down pat. There is much I intend to learn by her her. I won’t waste this opportunity.
Thank you for the surprise donation that came in this month through my PayPal. I couldn’t believe it! 🙂 I knew exactly what to do with it. I put it towards shoes.
I was able to find a pair of shoes that fit my needs: ankle strap and adjustable top. Having those two features means I don’t have to buy two different pair of shoes to fit my foot and my ever changing amputated other side.
Well, a great sale came around for these so I snagged ’em. I don’t have to wear them for six to nine months to break them in, either. I put them on and they are sooo soft and comfortable.
Yes I got pink the not-Crocs the other day during Prime Day. Absolutely! Cute shoes mean a lot to me now that so few options are available to me.
So, thank you very much for the gift. It was on time and appreciated.
My hospital bed allows me to sleep well. I can lift the head and feet which helps me rest.
Joe turned 15 on the first. Come April my CNA will have been here for a full year. She treats me well. I have a CNA on Saturday too. I like her a lot.
I have a trip in May but a good friend of mine suggested we go to New York in September so I’m saving up. I’ve started using the piggy bank to bank roll the New York trip.
My new recliner is more than I could have asked for. I was going to purchase one. I even had one picked out, but friends came up with a free chair for me. It sits well and lets me raise my legs. I’m so thrilled. Joe sits with me either on the arm or between my feet.
The money I would have spent on a recliner I put towards a new manual wheelchair. The old one I had for six years is being donating for parts.
I’m comfortable. My heart is at rest and I’m fully in the moment. I’m grateful for today.
It took a month instead of two weeks to complete the painting of sunflowers with the Scripture. When the painting was picked up she ordered one for herself. The other person who saw it ordered one. I’ll be doing them on paper. I seriously do not enjoy canvas.
One of my art goals for next year is to increase the amount of art that’s based on Scripture.
I also like the idea of painting my cat, but I’m pretty bad at animals. Maybe I’ll just keep photographing him.
Michael Joseph Austin aka Joe Schmoe, is going to be 15 next year. Honestly, it kind of scares me because I worry about losing him. It’s been 2 years since he had a stroke. His eyesight was affected, other than that he’s the same cat.
There are three goals for the next creative year 🙂
Scripture based art.
Painting cats in an outsider art kind of way.
Paint butterflies in outsider art kinda way.
I’ve joined a group about butterflies and have seen some absolutely amazing creations. I have to paint them! I’ve also got a book I was given by a good friend.
Those are my new year’s goals.
Gratitude List
I’m entirely moved by the varied designs, textures and vivid colors of butterflies.
Cookies. Above any other flavor, I love big sugar cookies with icing and sprinkles. A friend brings them sometimes.
I enjoy trying new things. My CNA and I laughed so hard at how bad bison steak is. So, so nasty! The texture and taste is a catastrophic collision that may have killed taste buds. Just wow lol. I’m grateful for the ability to laugh and still appreciate the experience due to the laughter, and I’m looking forward to trying other new things. 🙂
I’m in my feelings today. I feel very limited, if not left behind. I’m mad at wheelchair life right now.
I truly enjoyed being at the park with friends for a bonfire back in October. That was so healing. Right now though, I long to wander, to hike trails and sit under a tree with my dog. I miss that today.
I hope to get an electric wheelchair soon which would let me get to the front of the building, down a very long ramp then finally on the sidewalk. The sidewalk stops at the property line. No sidewalks. That’s a problem. We’ve lost 2 residents in 5 years bc they rolled in the street. I’m not doing that. There’s simply no where to go off property that’s wheelchair accessible.
I can’t tell you the longing I have to go outside my window and get to those beautiful rocks. I was told that our screens raise up. I don’t have to take it out then struggle to get it back in. I’ll have care again soon so I might test that.
The best way to manage my aching heart here is to do something for others. I feel like a trapped animal right now. Well, let me get outside this trap by reaching out.
Sitting in the grass keeping my problems in perspective
I’m so happy to say that my pen pal list has maxed out. It’s full. I actually have 20 letters that go exclusively to the elderly in nursing homes. They write back 🙂 Also, all the spots for plant homecare / babysitting are full.
I just added a monstera deliciosa from a wonderful person who needs nursing home care due to dementia. These’s a spider plant, monstera, rex begonia and an African violet that I’m looking after. Most are of memory care patients but one is from a person who takes care of her grandfather who has dementia.
It feels good to help with their favorite plants that they’ve taken care of for a long time. It’s something I can give to my friends who have been so giving to me.
There’s a plant that belonged to three generations of very lovely people. I’m so honored! Being able to take the plant torch is an amazing feeling.
About a year and a half ago, when the pandemic was raging, I set a goal for myself to give myself something to look forward to on the other side of the pandemic. The goal was to redue the home for my White’s Tree Frogs. I’m so happy to say that the goal will be realized.
Today I purchased a new home for my three frogs. 36 x 18 x 36 from Facebook Marketplace. It’s huge. I love it! My brother picked it up with a mutual friend. He’s a Schizophrenic young man who happens to be one of the sweetest, most spiritually faithful men I know. I think of him as a spiritual son. I was so happy to see him today.
This isn’t the final resting place for my frog paradise :-). It’s going to go where the other one is sitting. There’s lots of work to be done. I’m going to list what needs to be done and just go down the list. Fortunately I have a wonderful CNA (who shows up for work and doesn’t stress me). The CNA will assist with clean up, but I’ve got a few others helping with putting the door on and moving it to its new spot. Slow and steady is how I’m taking it. The CNA has been here for 3 months now and is quite helpful.
Thank you to everyone who helped make this happen. Everyone from the seller to those who helped me move it, and those who made small donations. I very much appreciate it.
Until soon,
Faith
Needed – There are 3 items remaining that are needed. I’m willing to trade art from both Available Art galleries for each of the 3 pet items at the top of my Amazon list. Mesh screen, clay balls and reptile water bowl. Please use my email address to contact me to arrange a barter situation. Contact info is on the sidebar. UPDATE – there’s one item remaining. It’s at the top of the list. Some have requested my PayPal addy. It’s on the sidebar under contact information.
Over a week ago I saw my nurse practitioner. We talked about the PTSD from the hospitalization in 2018. I told her that I just can’t paint anymore. I added, “When the legs failed and my foot was amputated, so too was the art in me.” Well, I’ve said that before. I’ve been saying it for nearly two years, but that time I truly heard myself say it and I knew I believe it. That’s a problem for me. Don’t tell me I can’t do this anymore. I was mad at myself. How dare I speak to myself that way?! I can’t be the person I was born as? I won’t accept that.
Point blank, I was born an artist. That art comes in many forms; culinary arts, painting, making dolls and creating terrariums. I’m driven to make things in an artistic way. The only way I stop being an artist is when I stop breathing. It was close back in 2018. Even still I want to be in an artsty urn. It’s already been chosen cause y’all can’t put me in any ol’ thing. I’m just happy I’m not in said artsy urn right now.
When I realized I actually believed that I can no longer paint, like I said, I was mad. Later that evening I got out my paints and started painting. While painting I remembered saying something very important to myself – It doesn’t matter if it’s good, just enjoy the process. That’s the moment things changed.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good! I was willing to have the art piece fail and that is significant. Before getting new depression meds and having a little more clarity, I was too afraid to fail. It felt like I was a failure instead of the art piece not working out. But this time I didn’t internalize its possible outcome. That’s how I know I’m in a different space. I was able to separate the two. I’ve been painting for over a week now. I’m risking a bit more and it feels good.
I didn’t die in 2018. I’m still an artist through and through. Regardless of any amputation, there’s no way to amputate my art. I can’t tell you how relieved I am. I worked hard to get to this day. Oh my goodness I worked hard from the day they told me I wasn’t going to make it until this day. I’ve worked hard. It hasn’t been pretty, at all. Some things I messed up beyond fixing. I know I’ve hurt people by spilling anger or responding while unhealthy instead of just walking away. Why did this happen? Because I’m a speck of dust like everyone else and I do and say reckless things. But I am not a vicious person, just a profoundly imperfect one battling mental health and physical health.
I understand something now. You’d think I grasped this four years ago but I didn’t. I understand that I didn’t die in 2018.
My entire life changed. I can’t walk anymore but I’m alive. I’m extremely limited, but I’m alive! The person I knew myself to be left the hospital and the nursing home, then moved here. I don’t need to be afraid to live.
I was living this life of “why bother, I’m just going to fall over dead anyway. ” I was afraid to live, make attachments and risk a little because I just didn’t want to lose anything else. I feel like I lost so much in 2018 that the thought of losing anything else was unbearable. I was afraid to live. I’m in a better spot but I’m not OK. There’s so much more physical healing and emotional healing to do. I no longer worry I’ll have to endure it without my art.
What I’ve learned is that I believe the words I say to myself. I know you reap what you sew. If I plant tomatoes I get tomatoes. It works that way with words too. I was planting fear in my garden and that’s exactly what I got. Words matter. What I say to myself matters.
Art work – The painting changed quite a bit from when I started. It’s a collage now. And true to form, I’m working on multiple art pieces at once. My studio mascot Joe Schmoe is helping with quality control. He’s such a good studio cat and mascot.
I’ve been putting art in people’s homes since 2007. My 2023 art goal is to fill my own walls with my artwork. It’s time I did that. I’ll give an Etsy update soon.
