Bumbling and fumbling words rolling my tongue like a gutter ball on the side of this well worn lane. I am a fool now. Ignored. Unseen, laughed at when seen. I am a fool; not your fool.
Faith
Or Me
Tag: Art therapy
Half a Century More
I started this little painting back in October of last year but I just now finished it. It looks so much better in person than the terrible photograph. This 7×10 watercolor piece has a lot of numbers on it. The numbers are ages that were very significant to me with age 47 being the last significant age on the painting.
The painting shows a young girl who divides the paper. She’s a young me with a split face depicting multiple personalities. Though I don’t know the exact age I split, I’m sure I was fully a multiple by the age of nine. I have a few symbols in the painting like a peanut and a purple butterfly as well as a wheelchair with a sunflower instead of a wheel.
One of the most significant things about this painting is the tree. It is bare on one side and full of colorful leaves on the other. Though they’re fall leaves that are technically dying, the point was to have colorful and lively leaves like seen in the Fall, which happens to be my favorite season.
I call the painting Half a Century More because of what a friend said to me jokingly the other day. I told her I’m about to turn 50 and she said, “Oh, you’re going to be half a century old.” Well I tell you I was floored!!! Wow. Do you have to put it that way? It took a few days to kind of get settled with it but now I think to myself, I’ve lived a half century but I’d like to live a half century more. I’d like to have a lot more art to paint, dolls to sew and days to figure out how to be happiest.
I won’t be 50 until August but I’m so, so exited I can’t stand it. I honestly never expected to see that number. For many reasons I didn’t expect to be here but half a century on and I’m still kicking!
Faith
Paranoia Art
When I was young my mother used to tell me quite often that a person was trying to punish her for a perceived slight. She constantly accused my sister and myself of stealing money from her purse even though neither of us had done so. I didn’t realize then it was paranoia but now I see her behavior so clearly that it frightens me.
As she got older her paranoia got even worse. She feared I was trying to kill her, feared my sister had conspired with me to kill her, so on and so forth. She trusted no one but her baby sister, no one.
I fear being like her in this way. I have recently had bouts with paranoia, nothing like she had, but paranoia nonetheless. I don’t fear people are watching me or trying to kill me. I just watch everything because I don’t trust much. I then become obsesses with matters until I exhaust my mind.
My paranoia worries me. My obsessions worry me. I hope that I’d accept medication and treatment if things got to the point of how they were with my mother.
This 7×10 piece was drawn then painted in watercolor in my art journal pad. It shows a young girl (me) with her eyes closed and an unreal world swirling around her. Her body twists into a background of watching eyes that trust nothing.
Faith
Self distancing and art journal
Self distancing is not as “easy” as I thought it would be. The first few days there was loneliness and anxiety. I’m not sure if it’s anxiety all from the coronavirus or if it’s anxiety because the coronavirus is on the back of the shots and insurance saga without a single second to recharge. Frankly, I’m a bit stressed and feeling needy.
In mmy watercolor art piece I added a drawing of all the things I 💜 that I am holed up with. Tea, fish, art itself, my frogs, snails and of course Joe the cat.
At this time I’m letting in very few people, three of which are my CNAs. Well, we kind of got into a little spat over the art piece Spring Mary because the CNA thinks the skin is too dark, she should smile and her hair isn’t long enough. I asked if she’s buying the piece and since she’s not AND has not constructive criticism to offer then she should silence herself.
The art piece Mary Spring was a tipping point. At least 5 other art pieces have been met with brutal nagging about skin color and such. I had enough!
The last art piece included is an acrylic drawing I did of me walking at night in the grass. I wrote a tad about the argument.
All art is done in my 7 x 10 watercolor pad which I totally love. I love how each media looks on this paper which is 140lb paper with a nice tooth. I so 💜 paper. Sorry for such dark photos, though.
Faith
Panic Attacks
I’m not sure what my problem is but I’ve been having panic attacks lately. Today’s panic attack included holding my chest, fast breathing and vomiting. I’m not sure what is causing it but it started over a week ago. I talked about it in therapy.
I’m doing some deep breathing as well as keeping my eyes open so as not to close into myself. I’m hanging out with the cat and watching the aquarium fish. I’ve also done several journal pages.
Wine in Time is done in watercolor and ink in watercolor paper pad. 7×10.
Panic Scramble was created with acrylics and ink in a watercolor paper pad. It’s also 7×10 inches.
Faith