Category: Therapy Review

Delicate Leaves – African Violet Emotional Breakdown of 2024

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Dr D asked how I was able to manage the trash three times? Honestly, it was mind bending hard. I went back three times because I felt like I’d failed or like I had something to prove. She said I threw it away to hurt her. I had to get it back.

I got a second text saying despite retrieving the plant, my efforts were not enough. It felt like I’d been punched in the chest. But that was the end of my emotional loan to the situation. It’s a plant. If she needs to go off the deep end over the plant then so be it but I’m jumping off the train. I will not argue over this. No response to texts about this mess.

This friendship isn’t over despite Dr D suggesting it might need to work towards that way. No. It needs a little break while she gets her mind right. He said, she’s going to do it again, then what? I said, yes she is, because unlike me she doesn’t have a PhD every week. This puts me at an advantage in the friendship.

As far as how I got through dealing with the trash, I planned it out. First I dressed for it. I had friends to call. I kept in mind my up coming appointment with my psychiatrist and psychologist on the same day. I have a certified nurses aide daily.

I was well covered to take the risk of going in the trash. I didn’t do it without back up or coping skills. Am I ok? No. But I’m not in hospital crisis. I’m not self harming. Things will calm down with a few art pieces and a few pots of tea.

Faith

Epiphany: A Future that is Mine

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CONTENT – Child Abuse. Strong emotion. Therapy Review. The art work is not finished but will eventually be in my Etsy shop.

If I believe I have a real future and a real hope, why do I keep wanting to go back and fix things? Why do I still feel like that little girl who needs her mother to love her?

No, it’s too late. I know she’s gone but I feel myself unable to give up. But not giving up the past means there’s less room for the wonderful future ahead, a future I firmly put faith in.

Today Dr D ask me if I could say anything to her what would I say? My words are in bold. I told her Don’t touch me! Don’t look at me! Keep away! You keep saying you’re going to give me a way, then do it!

That comment was interesting because the entire time I was talking to her I never said I love you or why don’t you love me? I never said hug me. I never said anything like that. It was it, Get away from me! Get away from me!

I didn’t want her to touch me ever again. I was angry about her watching me. I was angry about her letting others watch me. I was angry about all of the touch. I was angry about her destroying the mind of my sister. I was angry about her destroying the relationship I could have had with my sister. I just wanted her to go away. That was different from the feelings I thought I had. When I had the “spontaneous opportunity” to speak it was the voice of rage not a tiny, vulnerable child. That was incredible.

The artwork I’ve been doing lately shows exactly how I feel about my mother’s voyeurism. She was everywhere to the point that it was scary. Now that I think about it, if she stalked her boyfriend with us in the car of course she stalked my sister and me. And she wore that stupid black coat with the stupid hood looking like the grim reaper. She wasn’t holding anything, but dang! Standing in a pitch black hallway in a black trench coat watching people like a psychopath!

She told me she had people watching me and my sister and that nothing could be hidden from her. Dr D jumped in an said, “This is why you have DID.”

It was the most terrifying time of my life growing up with her and yet I thought I wanted that woman to love me. I wanted a little child me to go to her. To run to her. To be held by her.

Are you kidding me! No way! This is the woman who beat my lips with a wide tooth comb. Who beat my body with a towel rod. No. No. I have got to scrape this off of my heart so I can let myself have that future that’s so right in front of me. I’ve been crawling towards it. How do I scrape this off of me, the filth that she layered on me? The filth belongs to her. Whereas a future filled with hope is mine. I believe that with all my being.

Faith

Eating Disorder Clinic. Outpatient Care Only.

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Today I started care at the eating disorder clinic for abstinence and binge eating. I didn’t feel judged at all. I didn’t feel like my size disgusted them.

I know not eating for 3 days is a problem but I didn’t realize it would be something to try to make me go inpatient for care. I said no. I’ve got too many issues. I’m better off here. Outpatient or half day care where I sleep here is fine. But I can’t go inpatient. I won’t tolerate it well.

We discussed my hatred for water except for what lives in it. I told him that when it gets on me at all I panic. It feels as if I’ll die. Like I’ll melt into a puddle of soup.

The OCD is significantly better in that it’s not ruining my life. The eating disorder is ruining my life.

Next month I see my Oncologist / Hematologist at a different clinic. I didn’t want to go to the hospital for care anymore so I’ll go to an outpatient clinic for treatment for blood clots associated with Lupus.

I can’t say enough how refreshing it is to have a good CNA! She’s been here a year. I hope she stays. 🙂

My July trip is getting closer. I’m excited! I’m making a wrap skirt with headdress and matching earrings.

This thing is huge so I’m going to make a wrap skirt and all that from this material. In general I don’t wear yellow but I’m wearing yellow in honor of my best friend who loves yellow and can’t travel to the convention center.

I’m actively saving for both trips. I don’t think I’ve been this strapped for cash in a long time. My basic needs are met but dang. Broke sums it up!

Well, for the first time ever, I’m adding a video security system to my tiny home. It’s mostly for when I’m not here. I hate that I have to do this. The world has changed. I have not changed with it nor will I. But adjustments for safety is a reasonable step to finally take.

Here’s Joe Schmoe, just for fun. My green eyed monster with an irritated look. He’s camera shy.

Faith

Art Therapy Work

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These pieces were worked on in the last two weeks. There’s been a lot of art lately but hardly any of it has hit the internet. I’m falling behind on it, however, today there are a few to show.

They’re all four different from one another. Creating them was quite emotional, especially the last piece when Robert spoke with Dr. D about some difficulties he was having.

The black and white mask is also by Robert. The other two are by Michelle. All are created in watercolor. The last one has crayon as well.

Today in therapy we talked about how difficult it can be to sit here with our CNA day after day and not have her know a thing about our DID. Today two of our snails died just before the CNA arrived which means we had to just swallow it down and not think about it. That’s difficult for a kid who just lost her pet. It can be difficult for me, Jordan, to stay out for 6 hours, 6 days a week but so far it’s happened. So far we’ve kept our secret.

Jordan

Therapy Review: Permission to Speak

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Holding out for MoreI saw my psychiatrist today. We talked about the suicidal feelings. She asked if I feel suicidal at the Kingdom Hall. I said no, I feel like I can make it one more day. She and my psychologist suggested I stick close to the brothers and sisters. but especially try my best to be there in person.

I know my attitude stinks. I’ve got to pray much more about that……

Dr. D and I are taking on an art project where I let my body speak. Often I form experiences and emotions on canvas but they’re from my head. They’re all but photographs of my mind at that time. The rather large therapy painting will be a painting where body expresses itself as it goes through medical changes.

Imagine not speaking the language of anyone around you. Pictures are all you’ve got to tell how you experience the world, the world where there is only one person, one physical being. Now that body has to try and free itself of silence so that bitterness is released. It needs to speak and I can tell and I have a feeling this assignment will be very emotional, humbling and beneficial. I think I’ll have a sense of freedom. I think it’ll give me relief.

A moment of self talk

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