PTSD – SUNDRIP – Art for Life

It’s Just a Foot

Posted on December 20, 2024January 14, 2025 by Faith

I owe you an apology. Please, wake up, I owe you an apology. I said it was just a foot and not worth dying over because I didn’t understand. Tears swell in my eyes. My lips begin to trimble as I stand before headstone after headstone. Wake up! every Granny, aunt, uncle with a leg, arm, hand or foot they let get too bad until it was too late and tell them I was wrong. It’s not just a foot is it? No. Not when it happens to you. Instantly you understand your humanity.

The wind hesitates. I pretend to breathe. I owe you an apology.

I didn’t know the brain would need to rewire. I didn’t know the fear you’d live in of another amputation, or of physical therapy.

“She’s your nurse” doesn’t contain the impact a stranger has of touching every inch of your body at all times, of dangling fingernails over all your belongings leaving nothing untouched, feeding garbage food you can barely taste because life itself is stale.

Sweetheart wake up. Wake up. I touch another headstone. I didn’t know it would be this hard.

For the living

I’m colder than I’ve ever been. I’ve felt more pain and fear in the last 7 years than the previous years of life. Only 2% of the time do I think to myself, I should have died. Most of the time I’m happy I made it but I’m in the crowd that has to say I was wrong to pass judgment on people who couldn’t see the amputation through. It’s not just a foot. I was young. I didn’t know what I was saying. Who am I to say who does or doesn’t have the strength to endure an amputation?

Faith Magdalene

One Cup More: Ginger Apple Carob Tea

Posted on December 15, 2024December 15, 2024 by Faith

The third cup was delightful!

Large piece of fresh ginger chopped
Small piece of fresh yellow turmeric chopped
1 green cardamom
Cinnamon
Ground black pepper
Fresh lemon
Dried apple pieces
Carob chips

Anxiety has been rather high as neighbors try me…. My paint brushes fly in an embarrassing flurry. My heart is troubled. I remember I have coping skills. I have friends and I have anger enough to propel me forward one more step, one more day.

Faith Magdalene

Awake Stroke Recovery Art

Posted on December 10, 2024 by Faith

Finishing “Awake” took much effort but it is here, reworked, beaming with color and striking details.

Bellow are my comments.

I woke to a new existence somewhere unknown, they called it a stroke. Now words come like slow snails, or they are kidnapped so as not to form on my chapped lips.

I painted the emotional roller-coaster I felt as I played tug of war with my body, emotions, speech and interpersonal relationships. Ultimately I felt lost, defeated and misunderstood. I also thought I’d never paint again.

Grueling therapy and persistence with paint brushes helped me get to the point where I can say I’m awake. I’m awake to what has happened and the I’m happy the hardest part of it is behind me. Awake is about surviving the body after stroke and making it my new home.

You will find more images and a short video on Etsy. I also accept PayPal.

Thank you for letting me talk. Thank you for visiting SUNDRIP Art for Life.

Faith Magdalene

Validation. Symptoms. Wording.

Posted on December 9, 2024 by Faith

A nurse came out to assess me for continued in home nursing. I asked about the difficulties I have with speech but not with reading. She said my speech and memory issues are related to the stroke.

For example, say I may want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I’ll get the bread and peanut butter, however I will ask the nurse to get the jelly. I can see the jar in my head but the word won’t come out for anything. But if the jar is turned around with the label facing me then I can read it and say “may I have the jelly please”. Otherwise we could be sitting there for three weeks with me trying to get the word jelly out of my mouth. I can picture the object in my head but it’s as if the word is trapped.

I’m not accustomed to being believed. It was hard to admit how often it happens.

The nurse said this is related to the stroke. I thought I was just growing stupid with age. As it turns out, it’s not stupidity at all, but a symptom of something else.

Sometimes the words used to describe myself are a bit harsh.

When in bed, only in bed, primarily on my right side, heavier at the feet and head, my body jerks really hard, like really hard. Hard enough to wake me. I have a semi electric hospital bed, noise thing. I jerked really hard, slammed on the bed frame and woke the neighbor directly above me. We have paper thin walls, but still. Not sure if the doc is going to take that seriously or if it’s going to get brushed aside like many things appear to. I know when I lie down I’m going to have to deal with the hard jerking around. It seems to have increased lately. Interesting.

Faith

Today’s Endurance

Posted on November 14, 2024 by Faith

I screamed myself awake, and possibly my neighbors, around 6 this morning. I don’t exactly remember the dream. I just remember it was horrible and I was terrified. I was kicking and screaming. But I didn’t catch it on camera because my camera wasn’t set up. I hate that.

I wish I had caught that on camera so I can see what I was doing before and what I was doing after. I would like to have seen Joe’s reaction. After much struggling I finally had the camera set up so we’ll see how tonight goes.

Today has been really difficult. I have been scattered brained. I’ve messed up just about everything I’ve touched; everything I touched broke today so I’m pretty annoyed.

It’s just one of those days so I decided to list things that are good in my life. I listed five things that are blessings in my life because if not then it was just going to be an overwhelming day of sadness that seemed all for nothing. So I did, I came up with five things. I’m happy I was able to pause and go , okay listen, endurance is for a reason. It’s not to see who can suffer a long time, endurance has a purpose for the issues. That purpose is what I’m fighting for.

Here is a plant corner in my studio apartment that I enjoy.

Joe has been put on a different food by the vet. He’s been taken off his meds and he’s doing very well. His skin looks sooo much better. The boy’s actually kinda got an attitude now. He’s still Super Service Cat like no other but wow is he mouthy. 🙂

I’m down to two breathing treatments a day. My lungs still hurt very much from whatever chemical was in my apartment. I was in the hospital twice over it. Yuck. That’s part of the, “endurance is for a purpose” entry.

Lastly, I missed my OCD meds for a week. Life is hard right now. Prior Authorization and such took a bit. I finally got them after a full week. I can feel the difference. It hurts.

Until soon,

Faith Magdalene

The Crooked Tea Cup – Chatter Art

Posted on October 25, 2024 by Faith

I take pen to paper and near violently sketch, in order to manage obsessive thoughts and counting. The Etsy painting expresses anxiety building that I needed to manage.

I paint what’s swirling in my head, marching, counting or popping. Art helps manage the symptoms and situation.

When focused, I’ll express how I feel in bright colors next to black lines, and upside down flowers without uttering a single word.

This painting is 5.5×8.5 inches on watercolor paper, unmounted, signed, sealed

“The Crooked Tea Cup” – Arrows direct the path I should take; paranoia is her guide.

Please see my Etsy shop for this raw art original.

Faith

One Shot. Roll On.

Posted on October 22, 2024 by Faith

Today part of me just mourned the loss of the old CNA that I really liked, the one who said I’m not disabled. It was short lived. I’d rather go without the toxicity thank you very much!!!

This head is tired.

I spoke with the owner who reassured me that she’s looking for a quality aide for me, not just anyone.

I’ve bombed on the meet and greet twice bc I gave too much info about OCD and scared qualified candidates; one I didn’t much like but would have worked with, the second I really, really like. Can I get a do over?

This whole one shot thing is horrible! You get one short interview with a person to see if you can work with them.

I’ve forgotten how the regular employed world works. You go to interviews, sell yourself in an hour then leave. One shot! Gracious! Oh my brain.

I’m trying to get it right, trying to do everything right. Why can’t I get it right?

Today I had to remind myself of my self worth because it recently tanked. I don’t assign my self worth, God does. He loved everyone enough to allow his son as ransom, including me. So get up Faith, shake the dirt off your shoulders.. and roll on. You got this.

desperate

Behind the Lines

Posted on October 22, 2024 by Faith

I chose a name that’s not as harsh and doesn’t include the word freak because I’m not a freak.

Here’s the finished piece. Yes, She wants to fade into the background because by nature she’s a private person, now she feels exposed by the caseworker.

Even if some don’t get it, there’s a difference between the private life on the net and private life off line. Yes, for 20 yrs I’ve blogged my personal issues but do you understand I got to choose? It stayed on the net. My closest friends still don’t know I have DID, but this caseworker pops up and somehow gets my medical doctor to sign a form releasing all medical and psychiatric diagnosis. And just like that my caregiver company knows which is terrible news for me.. I want to crumble…. I did… Then I got back up!

At bottom of the painting a thin bone figure swings ropes and lines as she dangles her feet above the cup of tea below.

Please see the entry Sometimes I Feel Like A Freak for the original poem and the follow up entry called A Little Bit Frustrated and it Shows expressing dismay over calling myself a freak.

Please see my Etsy shop for purchase information.

A little frustrated and it shows

Posted on October 20, 2024 by Faith

I intended to keep the colors brighter like always, shockingly bright, but this time darker colors felt right.

The rainbow was given a darker red and a mustard yellow stripe in a midnight blue sky. The clothing of the figures is in plum, dark red, green and blue.

As I worked I realized the high amount of frustration and anger associated with feeling like a freak; feeling broken if not shatteted. Line after line I drew myself shatteted for the last time! I will not do it again.

I felt so hidden behind the lines, even hidden from myself. I’ve described being a multiple like looking into carnival mirrors. It’s hard to know who is who. Well, I may not always know the who but I do know The Way.

I need hope too. I don’t feel hopeless but sometimes I feel like I’m in prison here. I wish I could leave. This isn’t my home anymore. However, I can’t just up and go in the middle of the night – won’t up and go like that. I’ll move somewhere safe, clean. One thing is for sure, there’s no more peace here.

The painting will be in the shop very soon. Check my Etsy.

Faith

Sometimes I Feel Like A Freak

Posted on October 14, 2024October 14, 2024 by Faith

This is about the stress and pressure from people telling me what I should be doing and me having a hard time finishing projects. Slowly but surely they are being completed, this one too very, very soon. –

Sometimes I feel like a freak but I try to hide it.