Category: The People Behind My Eyes

Chatter – Rip The Heart Out

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CONTENT – My cat Joe is dying. Friend always contradicts me. (Changing meds.)

It’s been difficult watching Michael Joseph become weaker and weaker, sleep more and more. It’s tearing me up. I don’t know what to do with the anxiety sometimes.

I’m working on several art projects. I’m successfully working with my CNA. I’m successfully writing letters. I’m holding up my end of things and I’m proud of that. But I’m anxious as I watch my little guy grow weak and cry out in pain. He literally sounded like a cow mooing. It tore through me! My baby Joe Schmoe isn’t well! I can’t take it.

It’s interesting, the very first reaction is to distrust my instincts and listen to others but I’ve thrown that away. I’m his mother. I clean his litter box every day. I brush him every day. I feed him every day and remind him that he’s the mascot of Sundrip so act right little king! lol I hold him. I cuddle him. It’s me he sees day in and day out. We went through the lock down together. I KNOW JOE SCHMOE very well. Seeing him deteriorate is heartbreaking. My God!

Faith

The Deluge – Now in Etsy

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The Deluge is complete and is in my Etsy shop. One of the things I point out about the balance. The woman standing has legs and feet that are wound around. Each foot meets a tiger lily, a child and a purple flower in full bloom.

It is haunting in some areas. Those are the areas to leave behind. Those are the areas of the past that I can’t take with me to the future that I am building here. I’m not going to another planet. I’m right here. But some of these things need to swim free because they no longer have a place here.

If you visit my Etsy it’s worded better 🙂 You may also purchase through PayPal. Please see appropriate email address on the contact me area.

Thank you for listening,

Faith

To Jorge II, With Love

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Remember the brown Dr Martens I was super in love with? I purchased them after someone gave a surprise donation via PayPal?

Well, I had to go back for the black ones 🙂

These shoes are very amputee friendly. I can dress myself which is huge. I feel so normal and like myself in them. There’s nothing about them that’s been altered to fit that ever changing stump. I now have two really cool shoes that expand just right.

I even got the black shoes nearly half off.

Dr. Martens for the win, again. I swear I want to write him a letter and tell him how his shoes make me feel normal. I wont cause that’s weird, but I’m really happy this style hit the market.

I’m also grateful for fun compression socks 🙂 Fun compression socks and these shoes? I don’t know what to do with myself!

Faith

Rough Start. Grace to End.

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When all else fails, buy flowers.

My CNA and I like each other very much. She said she’s here to stay. I believe her. But today was rough. She’s got a personal crisis. Instead of continuing to argue, right in the middle of the situation I said, I call grace. I choose to give grace.

I know something isn’t quite right. I’m not going to argue or raise my tone or question you. It’s over. I choose grace. She said nothing and got in the car to take me to the store where I found these beautiful discounted flowers.

Something very bad has happened in my aide’s life. I think I know what it is. I pray it isn’t. That’s way too hard to deal with. No flower can cover it.

Today I reassured her that I enjoy her company and like working with her. She smiled and said, I’ll see you tomorrow.

She doesn’t need nearly as much reassurance as I do.

I have a certified nurses aide with 30 years experience. I actually have quality care.

She’s African American, my age. We mesh well. We are polar opposites. My goodness she’s unorganized. Her car is so unorganized it makes me suicidal! I’ve never in my life… oh the chaos. The odd couple. But it works and it works well. I’m grateful for that.

I have prayed that I will learn a little more about humility * each time * I visit with my young Bible student or my CNA . Six days a week I’ve got an opportunity to mold myself into a better me by seeing my CNA.

I will style myself to be more gentle, slower with the heavy sarcasm, listen more, ask deeper questions, pause before I speak. I’ve got six opportunities where I can learn new skills.

My CNA may be professionally unorganized but she’s got humility down pat. There is much I intend to learn by her her. I won’t waste this opportunity.

Faith

Face It: The Advocate

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Many years ago I painted with a computer program. I painted stroke by stroke instead of with filters, making each line very personal. I printed off postcard art and offered it under my name, Sundrip. It was many years and many experiences ago.

Recently I found a stack of the post cards in an old box and began doodling on them. The Advocate came about, so did the idea to continue to mark up, up cycle and alter my own art piece.

I’ve created a section in my shop called Face It. You’ll find just a few original postcards offered for a short time and the altered Face It pieces. The piece that’s in there now is called The Advocate. It’s different from the original in that the colors are deeper, the walls are fuller and if they could talk, they’d have a lot to say.

Here’s the original postcard art from 2007.

Introducing The Advocate in 2024

The Advocate

A figure stands on a purple platform looking down. Purple is used to advocate for domestic violence, Dementia / Alzheimers, Fibromyalgia, Lupus and other systemic illnesses. The platform symbolizes the person’s difficulties that he or she must face. Who will speak?

The postcard is original art by me but there will be many altered Face It Postcard Series pieces. Each will be a one of a kind.

Etsy is where you’ll find me 🙂

Faith

Decrystallize Honey With A Coffee Mug Warmer

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I found a jar of honey in an old supplies from the pandemic era. It had crystallized.

I didn’t want to go through the trouble of doing the double boiler thing to melt it down and shake it up but I do want it decrystallized. I can’t do the dishwasher method either. That’s where you place the honey in the dishwasher for three cycles and viola, no more crystals. However, I do have a coffee mug warmer, and time.

How it unfolded

  • I kept the lid on the whole time.
  • I saw signs of movement within three minutes.
  • I turned it over several times so it wouldn’t get too hot on a given side.
  • Give it a good shake from time to time.

The full process took about 30 minutes for six ounces of crystallized honey. The honey tastes just like I remember. 🙂 I know exactly why I buy from this particular beekeeper.

There are two beekeeping families with superior products who keep me coming back.

My wonderful full-time caregiver enjoyed the cinnamon and honey I made for her. Now for lavender and honey, lemon and honey, etc. I purchased a quart and the taste sizes are only one ounce so there’s enough to play with. 🙂

Well, I’m off to do end of the month tasks. Try not to worry they say. It’ll all work out they say. I’ve got evening care added on two days a week now, due to memory issues and others from long covid. They’re making sure I eat, too.

Faith

A double shot of usefulness

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I’ve not shown off my Philodendron Hope plant in awhile. It’s growing out of two Betta tanks.

I’m going to clip it back soon and allow certain leaves to mature. It’ll look nicer cut back.

I have hope.

There’s no doubt about the hope I have, but the path to it feels difficult at times. Fear is enemy number one.

I know I have hope. I’m just having a hard time keeping my fingers on it.

Maybe it should be enough, the fact that I can see it and know it’s within arms reach.

Well, in typical artist fashion, I’ve got several projects in different stages all going at once. Still, I’m encouraged by the “I Believe” piece.

It seems to carry the same symbols as two other pieces, which is very interesting to me.

I’m so happy to be making art just for me! And I so love that one young girl’s hair is 3 hearts instead of round puffs. 🙂

OMGoodness I have fallen in love with collaging entire works with my own art scraps. How satisfying!

It makes me smile to paint here in this little place I’ve created; sipping tea, dabbing paint brushes, writing letters and such. Recently a naysayer called the entire apartment an ecosystem. He has no idea how happy that makes a girl like me.

I enjoy waking up to meaning, purpose and usefulness in my little ecosystem- apartment. I could use a double shot of usefulness about now.

Covid update – still running a fever. Unproductive cough, mostly at night. I still break out in a sweat which feels different from hot flashes. I have GI issues, a rash on my back, my scalp inexplicably itches, too. My blood pressure has dipped so low that I’ve passed out.

I ordered supplies from Amazon since getting to the store is out of the question. Coconut water, cheerios and of course jello were among many of the supplies. Why do I love jello so much?

Please excuse me, I’ve got some cuddling to do before the day begins.

Faith

Pushing over the edge. Next step.

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It’s a difficult time right now. Stress is high enough that my body is killing me. Stress is high enough that I’ve trusted too much due to mental exhaustion.

I went running from the building bc I thought it was going to blow up. I thought God sent me a message telling me to get up and leave everything behind and flee. So I did. Only trouble was, it was late, late like 3 or 4 am.

I was rolling down the dark street away from the building bc I thought it was going to blow up but then in my head this line of reasoning came over me: If you trust Jehovah then you know he wouldn’t put you in danger. Go home. It was then I saw the guy bounce from the bushes towards me. I took off in my wheelchair screaming, trying to drive straight. I got to the porch and called “my brother” who is as exhausted and I.

never before have I thought I had a premonition so strong or felt it was from God. It was a strange thing. It’s never happened before.

I have talked until I’m blue in the face. It’s like a huge puzzle and I hate puzzles.

I don’t know what the next step is. I have hope though and that’s what I’ll keep in mind.

– Sundrip –

Epiphany: A Future that is Mine

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CONTENT – Child Abuse. Strong emotion. Therapy Review. The art work is not finished but will eventually be in my Etsy shop.

If I believe I have a real future and a real hope, why do I keep wanting to go back and fix things? Why do I still feel like that little girl who needs her mother to love her?

No, it’s too late. I know she’s gone but I feel myself unable to give up. But not giving up the past means there’s less room for the wonderful future ahead, a future I firmly put faith in.

Today Dr D ask me if I could say anything to her what would I say? My words are in bold. I told her Don’t touch me! Don’t look at me! Keep away! You keep saying you’re going to give me a way, then do it!

That comment was interesting because the entire time I was talking to her I never said I love you or why don’t you love me? I never said hug me. I never said anything like that. It was it, Get away from me! Get away from me!

I didn’t want her to touch me ever again. I was angry about her watching me. I was angry about her letting others watch me. I was angry about all of the touch. I was angry about her destroying the mind of my sister. I was angry about her destroying the relationship I could have had with my sister. I just wanted her to go away. That was different from the feelings I thought I had. When I had the “spontaneous opportunity” to speak it was the voice of rage not a tiny, vulnerable child. That was incredible.

The artwork I’ve been doing lately shows exactly how I feel about my mother’s voyeurism. She was everywhere to the point that it was scary. Now that I think about it, if she stalked her boyfriend with us in the car of course she stalked my sister and me. And she wore that stupid black coat with the stupid hood looking like the grim reaper. She wasn’t holding anything, but dang! Standing in a pitch black hallway in a black trench coat watching people like a psychopath!

She told me she had people watching me and my sister and that nothing could be hidden from her. Dr D jumped in an said, “This is why you have DID.”

It was the most terrifying time of my life growing up with her and yet I thought I wanted that woman to love me. I wanted a little child me to go to her. To run to her. To be held by her.

Are you kidding me! No way! This is the woman who beat my lips with a wide tooth comb. Who beat my body with a towel rod. No. No. I have got to scrape this off of my heart so I can let myself have that future that’s so right in front of me. I’ve been crawling towards it. How do I scrape this off of me, the filth that she layered on me? The filth belongs to her. Whereas a future filled with hope is mine. I believe that with all my being.

Faith

Out with the Hospital, in with the Clinic

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I made all my appointments at the hospital every six months since 2018 but it was time for a change. I’m seeing the same doctor just at a clinic associated with the hospital. I’m happy I made the change.

People spoke to each other in the clinic and it wasn’t about their fight, it was about the beauty red fox family in one yard, a family of bunnies in another yard and pet frogs at my house.

We talked about birds and insects. I talked about insects with two people I didn’t even know as well as the Merlin app that helps me identify what bird I can hear outside. Most of the time I can’t see it but I can hear it so I look it up and do a bit of reading on it. Anyway, it was nice talking to them.

How’s my body? The heat has my body flush. Using my own topical is more effective than voltaren cream. I can use mine just about anywhere and without a time limit. My vitals are in good shape. My weight loss medication appears to be working.

I was to go to intensive out patient eating disorder treatment for 8 weeks but I was unaware of the distance. I can do virtual therapy with them but not intensive outpatient in person for 8 weeks. The transfer and travel time would be brutal. I’ll talk to my pdoc about it. Also, I’ve not been that far from home on my own, in a wheelchair. I’m afraid.

I’ve yet to travel anywhere alone since being in this wheelchair. I was going to go two blocks down the street not 30 minutes one way. Also, I’ve read the reviews and I don’t need the shame. Instead of flat out no it’ll be “not right now with a heavy chance of no.” They need better reviews for me to put forth the type of effort I’ll need and to endure the physical pain I’ll endure while sitting up through the sessions and traveling.

Faith