Category: Major Depression

Don’t Forget Me

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TakenMy physical wounds have healed faster than emotional wounds. There’s a real fear that time will pass, I’ll ‘look better’, and people will forget that on the inside I’m still struggling.

When all this first happened and for the entire 5 months, friends leaped to my assistance. I had more visitors than I knew what to do with. 🙂 I felt loved. Now that things are going back to my version of normal with Lupus, I fear being left and yet I know the fear is unfounded. My friends love me and I know it, and I know that they were there for me before all this happened. But there’s this fear that all the love and attention is going to stop, and I’ll fade right into the background and be forgotten. I like the feeling of being loved. It’s not entirely new but its new enough that with a taste of it I don’t want to let it go. Continue reading “Don’t Forget Me”

The Silent Loud One

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Ariel Knew it Would Rain - SOLD
Ariel Knew it Would Rain – SOLD

I did not expect this painting to ever be chosen, to be taken home. I couldn’t believe when I got the email telling me of the sale for “Ariel Knew it Would Rain.”

She’s art that’s difficult to look at because, though she is silent, her face tells you everything. What use does one have for a few words when they are the picture worth a thousand? I’m amazed and touched that she was purchased, and humbled too.

Sometimes I am so raw with my art. It is clear I’m not a happy camper. It’s clear the painting came from pain. When I do that I worry about saying exactly what the painting was about but recently I’ve taken more risks and just saying, hey, this is what I was thinking, this is what I felt before, during and after. It’s a risk I’ll continue to take because with art my voice is most authentic.

Faith

A Quiet Day and The Need to Be Needed

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growing-in-fmaToday is a quiet kind of day. I’m a tad bit on the depressed side. I think the poem is heavier in truth than anticipated. I just starting typing and stopped when I was done.

Monday will be here quickly and it’ll be time for therapy again.

I’m physically tired with very swollen feet. I’ve had them propped up for awhile. It hurts to walk.

I’ve got a few financial concerns but in the end things seems to work out. Every bill is paid in full. The cat has food, Pete has food and Pickle will have more on Tuesday.

Continue reading “A Quiet Day and The Need to Be Needed”

The Invisible Life

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Masked, vulnerability, strength, endurance, determination, ambiguity, helpless, small, insignificant, rock hard, aggressive, assertive, grief, please see me, invisible, property, youth, old soul, wise soul, lava of the mind, focus.

Faith

Therapy Review: Permission to Speak

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Holding out for MoreI saw my psychiatrist today. We talked about the suicidal feelings. She asked if I feel suicidal at the Kingdom Hall. I said no, I feel like I can make it one more day. She and my psychologist suggested I stick close to the brothers and sisters. but especially try my best to be there in person.

I know my attitude stinks. I’ve got to pray much more about that……

Dr. D and I are taking on an art project where I let my body speak. Often I form experiences and emotions on canvas but they’re from my head. They’re all but photographs of my mind at that time. The rather large therapy painting will be a painting where body expresses itself as it goes through medical changes.

Imagine not speaking the language of anyone around you. Pictures are all you’ve got to tell how you experience the world, the world where there is only one person, one physical being. Now that body has to try and free itself of silence so that bitterness is released. It needs to speak and I can tell and I have a feeling this assignment will be very emotional, humbling and beneficial. I think I’ll have a sense of freedom. I think it’ll give me relief.

A moment of self talk

Continue reading “Therapy Review: Permission to Speak”

Walking With Roses

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Rose Walk 1Ever have one of those days when you were okay for five minutes but torn up the next? I’ve had several of those recently. I can’t put my finger on one thing, not sure I need to. I just know my head doesn’t feel right. I’m trying to help myself, pick myself up a little bit.

Rose Walk 2I had my nightly cry, sketched a little on the painting called Twelve and then decided to brave the stairs and take out the trash. Really, I just needed to be out of here and breathe.

I know I just said this on a blog I first read today. I said we see people walking down the street and they seem more grounded than we are. Well, as I walked around the courtyard I couldn’t help but feel grounded. What grounded me? Choice. Having choices, not feeling backed into a wall, not feeling as if I’m at the mercy of life itself. Being outside with no nurse, no friend standing guard, just me, I felt free. The feeling of being stuck, of being in prison washed away quickly….because I let it.  Continue reading “Walking With Roses”

Art Therapy in the Etsy Shop

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Weeds - Original Art TherapyI paint with my heart and all but bleed on canvas. Painting is a powerful way to release anxiety and thoughts that pound my skull. While art as a whole is therapeutic for me, there are certain pieces that were created specifically as therapy with my psychologist. As I thin out the amount of art in my home, I’d like to make available on a continued basis, some of the art pieces created during my therapy sessions or at a later time.

As I said, art therapy has been one of the most powerful tools in my healing process. I can’t explain to you the relief I feel knowing that some of my abuse memories have lost their sting when I was professionally guided with the tool of art therapy.

Continue reading “Art Therapy in the Etsy Shop”

Landfall Abstract Ocean Scene

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This entry shows art two art pieces with a purpose. Rise, fall if I must. Stand to meet the challenge. What’s the challenge? I’ve got to get a hold of my stinking thinking. I have to change my outlook one single color at a time if necessary. While writing I felt a sense of urgency and desperation. I could all but see myself at a door grabbing the handle and pulling it, ripping at.

Lets talk more about the art at the root of these emotions.

Landfall

Landfall

Creating non objective abstract art started with a self challenge in June of 2014. I really wanted to create some of the beautiful art I was seeing, but it didn’t think I had it in me to do that type of art. When I first challenged myself I said I’d do 10 paintings. I wasn’t looking forward to it because it was as if I had no idea where to start, let alone know how to finish.

Though I’m still learning, I can say I have left behind the anxiety. I enjoy it creating non-objective abstract art. I find it soothing to create and I actually feel I know when to start. As a matter of fact I start non-objective abstract such as “Landfall” the same way I begin other art, with a single stroke.

I don’t think too hard and I sure don’t plan ahead. When it comes to art, if I plan ahead then I’m planning for a disaster. I start art with one single stroke and go from there. I paint from the hip…..not literally because that would be uncomfortable. My next challenge with abstracts is to paint them larger.  Continue reading “Landfall Abstract Ocean Scene”