Category: Lupus

Enduring the Days

Posted on by Faith
Snapshot fma
Snapshot

The last few days have been torture. I hurt from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. The amputation site is having an electric storm of shock and neuropathy. It’s been a bad few days and I’ve done very little reaching out. I’ve just been waiting for medication time!

The foot that was amputated coincidentally was the foot with Chronic Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. Though amputated for other reasons, I hoped the RSD fire and pain would stop, it didn’t and won’t. It doesn’t work that way. Continue reading “Enduring the Days”

The Brave Face

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I’m not brave. I’m not. I’m not rolling with the punches, I’m just getting punched. As I said, I’ve walked through the fire and I’m all burned up. I’m skinny, starving for a moment of real rest, of relief.

“The surgeon” will see me one more time in 3 months then that’s it. Really?! That’s all? You take my toes, wham bam thank you ma’am, I wash my hands of you? That’s how this works? And I’m just supposed to go on too, business as usual?

This is the second time he’s asked me to paint him something. So I will get a canvas and paint every tear I’ve sobbed! I’ll paint the times I covered my face and rocked back and forth in shock, “Oh my God!” so I can’t see what other trauma is next. I just cover my face and rock.

He gave me a script for an insert that will allow me to wear whatever shoes I want. He said to get a good brand of cocoa butter for my foot and the scars so the black scars will fade. I’ll buy new Chuck Taylor shoes after the insert gets here. I’ll walk around with no outward knowledge that anything is missing. I’ll limp but people won’t know why.

I will paint “the surgeon” a piece of this entire experience from fear to anguish to anger, loneliness and even gratitude. He’s going to get a painting of trauma because that’s what’s left in the wake.

Jordan

The Surgeon Who Stole My Toes

Posted on by Faith
Stone and Shadows
Stone and Shadows

I see “the surgeon” tomorrow, the one who amputated my toes. I wonder what kind of person it takes to look at a foot rotted black, take a saw and hack off a body part to be thrown away? What allows his mind to go there and his hands to follow? Though beyond repair, black as night, shriveled to nothing and dry, they were still mine.

My heart knows 100% that this surgeon was one who helped save my life, mine and many others. He is loved and honored, rightfully put on a pedestal. He has taken people with slim odds and brought them back from the brink. In my heart I see him that way, but behind my eyes I see the man who methodically removed part of me and threw me away.

Faith Austin

The Silent Loud One

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Ariel Knew it Would Rain - SOLD
Ariel Knew it Would Rain – SOLD

I did not expect this painting to ever be chosen, to be taken home. I couldn’t believe when I got the email telling me of the sale for “Ariel Knew it Would Rain.”

She’s art that’s difficult to look at because, though she is silent, her face tells you everything. What use does one have for a few words when they are the picture worth a thousand? I’m amazed and touched that she was purchased, and humbled too.

Sometimes I am so raw with my art. It is clear I’m not a happy camper. It’s clear the painting came from pain. When I do that I worry about saying exactly what the painting was about but recently I’ve taken more risks and just saying, hey, this is what I was thinking, this is what I felt before, during and after. It’s a risk I’ll continue to take because with art my voice is most authentic.

Faith

What is Innocence?

Posted on by Faith

A person can’t live in this world and be innocent. It took me a long time to understand what innocence means. The day it was taken from me I understood the meaning of fear and began to question trust. The day it was taken from me and the subsequent assaults that held it before me like a worm on a hook, I began to understand what it means to be vulnerable and without control over my environment, helpless, completely dependent on others for my safety. I understood what it meant to be worthless and bad. When I was innocent I had no concept of these things. That’s what innocence is, having no reason to doubt, fear or question the stability of your little world.

Innocent is a mirror before it’s broken.

Continue reading “What is Innocence?”

The Invisible Life

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Masked, vulnerability, strength, endurance, determination, ambiguity, helpless, small, insignificant, rock hard, aggressive, assertive, grief, please see me, invisible, property, youth, old soul, wise soul, lava of the mind, focus.

Faith

Therapy Review: Permission to Speak

Posted on by Faith

Holding out for MoreI saw my psychiatrist today. We talked about the suicidal feelings. She asked if I feel suicidal at the Kingdom Hall. I said no, I feel like I can make it one more day. She and my psychologist suggested I stick close to the brothers and sisters. but especially try my best to be there in person.

I know my attitude stinks. I’ve got to pray much more about that……

Dr. D and I are taking on an art project where I let my body speak. Often I form experiences and emotions on canvas but they’re from my head. They’re all but photographs of my mind at that time. The rather large therapy painting will be a painting where body expresses itself as it goes through medical changes.

Imagine not speaking the language of anyone around you. Pictures are all you’ve got to tell how you experience the world, the world where there is only one person, one physical being. Now that body has to try and free itself of silence so that bitterness is released. It needs to speak and I can tell and I have a feeling this assignment will be very emotional, humbling and beneficial. I think I’ll have a sense of freedom. I think it’ll give me relief.

A moment of self talk

Continue reading “Therapy Review: Permission to Speak”

Art Therapy in the Etsy Shop

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Weeds - Original Art TherapyI paint with my heart and all but bleed on canvas. Painting is a powerful way to release anxiety and thoughts that pound my skull. While art as a whole is therapeutic for me, there are certain pieces that were created specifically as therapy with my psychologist. As I thin out the amount of art in my home, I’d like to make available on a continued basis, some of the art pieces created during my therapy sessions or at a later time.

As I said, art therapy has been one of the most powerful tools in my healing process. I can’t explain to you the relief I feel knowing that some of my abuse memories have lost their sting when I was professionally guided with the tool of art therapy.

Continue reading “Art Therapy in the Etsy Shop”

Landfall Abstract Ocean Scene

Posted on by Faith

This entry shows art two art pieces with a purpose. Rise, fall if I must. Stand to meet the challenge. What’s the challenge? I’ve got to get a hold of my stinking thinking. I have to change my outlook one single color at a time if necessary. While writing I felt a sense of urgency and desperation. I could all but see myself at a door grabbing the handle and pulling it, ripping at.

Lets talk more about the art at the root of these emotions.

Landfall

Landfall

Creating non objective abstract art started with a self challenge in June of 2014. I really wanted to create some of the beautiful art I was seeing, but it didn’t think I had it in me to do that type of art. When I first challenged myself I said I’d do 10 paintings. I wasn’t looking forward to it because it was as if I had no idea where to start, let alone know how to finish.

Though I’m still learning, I can say I have left behind the anxiety. I enjoy it creating non-objective abstract art. I find it soothing to create and I actually feel I know when to start. As a matter of fact I start non-objective abstract such as “Landfall” the same way I begin other art, with a single stroke.

I don’t think too hard and I sure don’t plan ahead. When it comes to art, if I plan ahead then I’m planning for a disaster. I start art with one single stroke and go from there. I paint from the hip…..not literally because that would be uncomfortable. My next challenge with abstracts is to paint them larger.  Continue reading “Landfall Abstract Ocean Scene”

The Master of My Ghosts

Posted on by Faith

There’s an old, half blind dog lying on the porch. That old dog is me.
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His daytime howl is common, almost a fixture in his home. He growls at shadows and charges falling, dry leaves as though they were a personal attack on himself and the dilapidated house he protects.

He can hardly see. He doesn’t hear clearly or process like others. This old dog with half an ear and legs born lame, feels so far removed from a living thing that even the softest touch can in an instant turn from intimacy to biting distrust.

Continue reading “The Master of My Ghosts”