Category: I’m only human

Today’s Endurance

Posted on by Faith

I screamed myself awake, and possibly my neighbors, around 6 this morning. I don’t exactly remember the dream. I just remember it was horrible and I was terrified. I was kicking and screaming. But I didn’t catch it on camera because my camera wasn’t set up. I hate that.

I wish I had caught that on camera so I can see what I was doing before and what I was doing after. I would like to have seen Joe’s reaction. After much struggling I finally had the camera set up so we’ll see how tonight goes.

Today has been really difficult. I have been scattered brained. I’ve messed up just about everything I’ve touched; everything I touched broke today so I’m pretty annoyed.

It’s just one of those days so I decided to list things that are good in my life. I listed five things that are blessings in my life because if not then it was just going to be an overwhelming day of sadness that seemed all for nothing. So I did, I came up with five things. I’m happy I was able to pause and go , okay listen, endurance is for a reason. It’s not to see who can suffer a long time, endurance has a purpose for the issues. That purpose is what I’m fighting for.

Here is a plant corner in my studio apartment that I enjoy.

Joe has been put on a different food by the vet. He’s been taken off his meds and he’s doing very well. His skin looks sooo much better. The boy’s actually kinda got an attitude now. He’s still Super Service Cat like no other but wow is he mouthy. 🙂

I’m down to two breathing treatments a day. My lungs still hurt very much from whatever chemical was in my apartment. I was in the hospital twice over it. Yuck. That’s part of the, “endurance is for a purpose” entry.

Lastly, I missed my OCD meds for a week. Life is hard right now. Prior Authorization and such took a bit. I finally got them after a full week. I can feel the difference. It hurts.

Until soon,

Faith Magdalene

One Shot. Roll On.

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Today part of me just mourned the loss of the old CNA that I really liked, the one who said I’m not disabled. It was short lived. I’d rather go without the toxicity thank you very much!!!

This head is tired.

I spoke with the owner who reassured me that she’s looking for a quality aide for me, not just anyone.

I’ve bombed on the meet and greet twice bc I gave too much info about OCD and scared qualified candidates; one I didn’t much like but would have worked with, the second I really, really like. Can I get a do over?

This whole one shot thing is horrible! You get one short interview with a person to see if you can work with them.

I’ve forgotten how the regular employed world works. You go to interviews, sell yourself in an hour then leave. One shot! Gracious! Oh my brain.

I’m trying to get it right, trying to do everything right. Why can’t I get it right?

Today I had to remind myself of my self worth because it recently tanked. I don’t assign my self worth, God does. He loved everyone enough to allow his son as ransom, including me. So get up Faith, shake the dirt off your shoulders.. and roll on. You got this.

desperate

The Whole World is On Fire

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This company, CICOA, that serves the elderly and disabled to find so called care companies to come in the house has now been told that I have DID. They, CICOA, told the doctor if I wanted care I’d have to give them both psychiatric and medical diagnosis. I was not asked about this.

The company was told I have DID. They passed it along to the under educated care companies who pass it along to their caregivers! Are you joking? Are you joking!!

No matter what company I go to they’ll know I have DID, the caregiver may know as well. Everyday people don’t need to know this.

In Indiana, most of these places aren’t run by medical professionals but by well meaning individuals who saw a need in the community. But well meaning doesn’t mean you know what to do or not to do or to just leave it the heck alone.

I told the CICOA worker that I spent years, years making sure my DID didn’t get out but nope, here we are, you guys couldn’t let it go. I said, so now that you know, who is educated enough to manage it? None of you! Not a single person in that building has the slightest bit of education to manage my disorder. She said, I have a bachelor in psychology. What’s that supposed to do? If you have a BA then you should have known to be more careful.

Curiosity killed the cat. The cat is me.

It matters that uneducated people are going to have this information and that I’m going to AGAIN hear how I need to just pray the demons out, spit them out, excercist, oil, rituals and that I have demons. I won’t go through it. I won’t go through it again. I may not have to bc I gave CICOA quite the unedited tongue lashing!! They may kick me out of the program. I really went off.

I spent so long holding that secret together and it’s over because J is nosey and gave a form requiring my mental health diagnosis. All that happened on the heels of my CNA getting fired by me yesterday morning, the CNA I liked so much.

We’d begun fighting, outright arguing daily. I’d apologize, she wouldn’t. I started to worry about a few things I couldn’t prove but was suss of.

The last argument was when discussing going to the grocery store. I said I’d like to go to the pet store first because it’s less energy than the grocery store. She said, I don’t want to double back. I said, but as a disabled person it’s easier on me to do the easier thing first. She chimed in with, I have plenty to say about you being disabled but we don’t want to have that conversation.

It hit hard. I was dazed. Seconds later I said, yes, we need to have this conversation. Long story short, the Certified Nurses Aide believes she is qualified to cancel out all doctor diagnosis for her punny, sad, opinion. I’m amazed! Amazed. There was no way she was working here if she didn’t even believe I’m disabled. My goodness.

As angry as I was that I had to fire her, I did forgive that stupidity. She can never work for me, but forgiveness is offered to the CNA and her ridiculous actions. Why? So I can leave just a tiny bit of peace in a world that is very short of it.

As for CICOA there is no such forgiveness…. This dumpster fire is part of the rest of the world that’s on fire. Cause if you hadn’t noticed, the whole world is kinda on fire right now.

Michael Joseph is ok but not great. He’s sleeping a lot. He eats well. Still drinking. He’s clingy then he goes back to hide under the bed.

I took a photo yesterday bc I just turned a corner in life and I know it. I’m not sure what’s around the corner, but I didn’t just turn a corner in life. I could feel it coming for a minute.

Faith Magdalene

Wilted African Violet Emotional Uptick of 2024

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I prayed, “your daughters need Parenting because this is just a plant. I don’t even want a long break from her over a plant. We need a Father to work with His daughters.”

I am pleased that my very emotional friend and sister has calmed down concerning the African Violet plant. We met over Zoom and handled things very well. I was so grateful! So grateful!

I’ll meet with her again Monday evening and the project we’re working on will be finished. We’ll have done it. The absolute impossible a few years ago!

Unfortunately this plant appears beyond redemption. It’s name will not be called. There will be no resurrection. Lol 🙂

I don’t know what to do with it. I really don’t. I’ve got some leaves cut in half, some as full leaf propagation. But, some wilted in the moss, some simply didn’t make it after being in the trash. Never in my life have I ever felt so bad about a plant dying. The saga has ended. I’m pretty sure. I think. I hope. Lol

Faith

Continued Improvement.

Posted on by Faith

Joe is still very clingy and needs a lot of reassurance. He’s got some issues but nothing like before where death seemed imminent.

Back when death looked imminent and he was laying under the bed with his little head out I said, “Michael Joseph, If I did anything to contribute to this, please forgive me.” I was thinking of the supplements or anything he could possibly have stepped in and cleaned off himself. I blame myself for everything, it only seemed normal to say, if this is my fault …

Well, I didn’t think it would make much of a difference, but I took him completely off that one supplement I had him on for dry skin. A few days later Joe looked a bit better but I wasn’t sure if it was just me. Now several more days later I know it’s not just me! Joe looks better! He spends a little time with me instead of under the bed. He’s mouthy again too. Lol

We have a little over 2 weeks before the vet. I’ll continue to reassure, observe and keep him comfortable. This is too much emotion! My heart can’t take this!

Michael Joseph Austin aka Joe Schmoe is 16 yrs old. He’s my little sidekick and my one employee . He often sleeps on the job though.

Faith

Joe update

Posted on by Faith

Joe Schmoe update.

I stopped giving him this several days ago. Not going to say it was this, just saying I stopped giving it to him.

I WANT to say he looks better. He’s out from under the bed more.
He’s slow in the morning.

He didn’t recognize me at one point and got down low in attack mode, looking me in the eyes like I was a stranger. I left the area because I wasn’t sure if he was going to jump on me or not.

At a different time he didn’t recognize the caregiver that he loves so much. It took about an hour before he recognized her.

Its one day at a time to the vet next month. Still doing what I was told to do – observe, keep him comfortable. (sigh)

I made a sale. That’ll go directly to vet care coming up. Thank you. Thank you in advance for anyone who might be considering a purchase at www.Sundrip.etsy.com.

Faith

Delicate Leaves – African Violet Emotional Breakdown of 2024

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Dr D asked how I was able to manage the trash three times? Honestly, it was mind bending hard. I went back three times because I felt like I’d failed or like I had something to prove. She said I threw it away to hurt her. I had to get it back.

I got a second text saying despite retrieving the plant, my efforts were not enough. It felt like I’d been punched in the chest. But that was the end of my emotional loan to the situation. It’s a plant. If she needs to go off the deep end over the plant then so be it but I’m jumping off the train. I will not argue over this. No response to texts about this mess.

This friendship isn’t over despite Dr D suggesting it might need to work towards that way. No. It needs a little break while she gets her mind right. He said, she’s going to do it again, then what? I said, yes she is, because unlike me she doesn’t have a PhD every week. This puts me at an advantage in the friendship.

As far as how I got through dealing with the trash, I planned it out. First I dressed for it. I had friends to call. I kept in mind my up coming appointment with my psychiatrist and psychologist on the same day. I have a certified nurses aide daily.

I was well covered to take the risk of going in the trash. I didn’t do it without back up or coping skills. Am I ok? No. But I’m not in hospital crisis. I’m not self harming. Things will calm down with a few art pieces and a few pots of tea.

Faith

The African Violet Emotional Breakdown of 2024

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I’m not totally bashing this person because I know I’ve done what she did yesterday.

Her aunt had a small box of plants for me to adopt bc she’s going into a nursing home. Most of the plants were in rough shape. When I saw the African Violet with dull green – gray leaves but a desert dry root I tossed it thinking it was dead. Thus started the African Violet Emotional Breakdown of 2024.

The thing was the size of a silver dollar but that’s not important. What’s important are the over use of emotion and manipulation used concerning this silver dollar sized madness that I agreed to go dig out of my trash the next day.

So today is the next day. I took the trash out of the bag three times, transferring it from one to the other because she said this plant was “entrusted” to me and if she’d known I’d just throw it away she’d have kept it. She’s “grieved” and needs to “heal from the loss of the plant. ‘ The aunt is alive!

Dressed like I have OSHA training, I looked through the trash three times. I sorted through trash with BBQ sauce on it, coffee grounds, ketchup, plant soil and everything else. I was ready to give up when she sorta came into view.

The friend said she tends to love things like plants and animals instead of people. I told her. You know I have obsessive compulsive disorder. It was love for you that I went through the trash three times. It had nothing to do with the plant. It had nothing to do with how you worded your text.

How do you grieve a small plant but not think twice about my disorder? You said I didn’t understand you but where was it you gave me understanding? Did you stop and think how difficult getting in the trash would be?

All this over the top emotion is too much for this situation. You said you lost sleep over me tossing what appeared to be a lifeless silver dollar size African Violet in the trash. I lost sleep because I’ve got real problems. My cat isn’t well.

Faith

Rough Start. Grace to End.

Posted on by Faith

When all else fails, buy flowers.

My CNA and I like each other very much. She said she’s here to stay. I believe her. But today was rough. She’s got a personal crisis. Instead of continuing to argue, right in the middle of the situation I said, I call grace. I choose to give grace.

I know something isn’t quite right. I’m not going to argue or raise my tone or question you. It’s over. I choose grace. She said nothing and got in the car to take me to the store where I found these beautiful discounted flowers.

Something very bad has happened in my aide’s life. I think I know what it is. I pray it isn’t. That’s way too hard to deal with. No flower can cover it.

Today I reassured her that I enjoy her company and like working with her. She smiled and said, I’ll see you tomorrow.

She doesn’t need nearly as much reassurance as I do.

I have a certified nurses aide with 30 years experience. I actually have quality care.

She’s African American, my age. We mesh well. We are polar opposites. My goodness she’s unorganized. Her car is so unorganized it makes me suicidal! I’ve never in my life… oh the chaos. The odd couple. But it works and it works well. I’m grateful for that.

I have prayed that I will learn a little more about humility * each time * I visit with my young Bible student or my CNA . Six days a week I’ve got an opportunity to mold myself into a better me by seeing my CNA.

I will style myself to be more gentle, slower with the heavy sarcasm, listen more, ask deeper questions, pause before I speak. I’ve got six opportunities where I can learn new skills.

My CNA may be professionally unorganized but she’s got humility down pat. There is much I intend to learn by her her. I won’t waste this opportunity.

Faith

A double shot of usefulness

Posted on by Faith

I’ve not shown off my Philodendron Hope plant in awhile. It’s growing out of two Betta tanks.

I’m going to clip it back soon and allow certain leaves to mature. It’ll look nicer cut back.

I have hope.

There’s no doubt about the hope I have, but the path to it feels difficult at times. Fear is enemy number one.

I know I have hope. I’m just having a hard time keeping my fingers on it.

Maybe it should be enough, the fact that I can see it and know it’s within arms reach.

Well, in typical artist fashion, I’ve got several projects in different stages all going at once. Still, I’m encouraged by the “I Believe” piece.

It seems to carry the same symbols as two other pieces, which is very interesting to me.

I’m so happy to be making art just for me! And I so love that one young girl’s hair is 3 hearts instead of round puffs. 🙂

OMGoodness I have fallen in love with collaging entire works with my own art scraps. How satisfying!

It makes me smile to paint here in this little place I’ve created; sipping tea, dabbing paint brushes, writing letters and such. Recently a naysayer called the entire apartment an ecosystem. He has no idea how happy that makes a girl like me.

I enjoy waking up to meaning, purpose and usefulness in my little ecosystem- apartment. I could use a double shot of usefulness about now.

Covid update – still running a fever. Unproductive cough, mostly at night. I still break out in a sweat which feels different from hot flashes. I have GI issues, a rash on my back, my scalp inexplicably itches, too. My blood pressure has dipped so low that I’ve passed out.

I ordered supplies from Amazon since getting to the store is out of the question. Coconut water, cheerios and of course jello were among many of the supplies. Why do I love jello so much?

Please excuse me, I’ve got some cuddling to do before the day begins.

Faith