The Deluge is complete and is in my Etsy shop. One of the things I point out about the balance. The woman standing has legs and feet that are wound around. Each foot meets a tiger lily, a child and a purple flower in full bloom.
It is haunting in some areas. Those are the areas to leave behind. Those are the areas of the past that I can’t take with me to the future that I am building here. I’m not going to another planet. I’m right here. But some of these things need to swim free because they no longer have a place here.
If you visit my Etsy it’s worded better 🙂 You may also purchase through PayPal. Please see appropriate email address on the contact me area.
My CNA and I like each other very much. She said she’s here to stay. I believe her. But today was rough. She’s got a personal crisis. Instead of continuing to argue, right in the middle of the situation I said, I call grace. I choose to give grace.
I know something isn’t quite right. I’m not going to argue or raise my tone or question you. It’s over. I choose grace. She said nothing and got in the car to take me to the store where I found these beautiful discounted flowers.
Something very bad has happened in my aide’s life. I think I know what it is. I pray it isn’t. That’s way too hard to deal with. No flower can cover it.
Today I reassured her that I enjoy her company and like working with her. She smiled and said, I’ll see you tomorrow.
She doesn’t need nearly as much reassurance as I do.
I have a certified nurses aide with 30 years experience. I actually have quality care.
She’s African American, my age. We mesh well. We are polar opposites. My goodness she’s unorganized. Her car is so unorganized it makes me suicidal! I’ve never in my life… oh the chaos. The odd couple. But it works and it works well. I’m grateful for that.
I have prayed that I will learn a little more about humility * each time * I visit with my young Bible student or my CNA . Six days a week I’ve got an opportunity to mold myself into a better me by seeing my CNA.
I will style myself to be more gentle, slower with the heavy sarcasm, listen more, ask deeper questions, pause before I speak. I’ve got six opportunities where I can learn new skills.
My CNA may be professionally unorganized but she’s got humility down pat. There is much I intend to learn by her her. I won’t waste this opportunity.
I’ve not shown off my Philodendron Hope plant in awhile. It’s growing out of two Betta tanks.
I’m going to clip it back soon and allow certain leaves to mature. It’ll look nicer cut back.
I have hope.
There’s no doubt about the hope I have, but the path to it feels difficult at times. Fear is enemy number one.
I know I have hope. I’m just having a hard time keeping my fingers on it.
Maybe it should be enough, the fact that I can see it and know it’s within arms reach.
Well, in typical artist fashion, I’ve got several projects in different stages all going at once. Still, I’m encouraged by the “I Believe” piece.
It seems to carry the same symbols as two other pieces, which is very interesting to me.
I’m so happy to be making art just for me! And I so love that one young girl’s hair is 3 hearts instead of round puffs. 🙂
OMGoodness I have fallen in love with collaging entire works with my own art scraps. How satisfying!
It makes me smile to paint here in this little place I’ve created; sipping tea, dabbing paint brushes, writing letters and such. Recently a naysayer called the entire apartment an ecosystem. He has no idea how happy that makes a girl like me.
I enjoy waking up to meaning, purpose and usefulness in my little ecosystem- apartment. I could use a double shot of usefulness about now.
Covid update – still running a fever. Unproductive cough, mostly at night. I still break out in a sweat which feels different from hot flashes. I have GI issues, a rash on my back, my scalp inexplicably itches, too. My blood pressure has dipped so low that I’ve passed out.
I ordered supplies from Amazon since getting to the store is out of the question. Coconut water, cheerios and of course jello were among many of the supplies. Why do I love jello so much?
Please excuse me, I’ve got some cuddling to do before the day begins.
I made all my appointments at the hospital every six months since 2018 but it was time for a change. I’m seeing the same doctor just at a clinic associated with the hospital. I’m happy I made the change.
People spoke to each other in the clinic and it wasn’t about their fight, it was about the beauty red fox family in one yard, a family of bunnies in another yard and pet frogs at my house.
We talked about birds and insects. I talked about insects with two people I didn’t even know as well as the Merlin app that helps me identify what bird I can hear outside. Most of the time I can’t see it but I can hear it so I look it up and do a bit of reading on it. Anyway, it was nice talking to them.
How’s my body? The heat has my body flush. Using my own topical is more effective than voltaren cream. I can use mine just about anywhere and without a time limit. My vitals are in good shape. My weight loss medication appears to be working.
I was to go to intensive out patient eating disorder treatment for 8 weeks but I was unaware of the distance. I can do virtual therapy with them but not intensive outpatient in person for 8 weeks. The transfer and travel time would be brutal. I’ll talk to my pdoc about it. Also, I’ve not been that far from home on my own, in a wheelchair. I’m afraid.
I’ve yet to travel anywhere alone since being in this wheelchair. I was going to go two blocks down the street not 30 minutes one way. Also, I’ve read the reviews and I don’t need the shame. Instead of flat out no it’ll be “not right now with a heavy chance of no.” They need better reviews for me to put forth the type of effort I’ll need and to endure the physical pain I’ll endure while sitting up through the sessions and traveling.
I’m home from a brief medical hospital stay but in the entry I’ve lead with emotional issues.
I have to admit I am emotionally excitable and I cry at the drop of a hat. Today I cried my eyes out concerning the CNA who left. I was crying because I hate being left. I hate the way she did it. She just walked out!
You know the company has lied (all the companies lie through their teeth up and down all the time). You mean to tell me they couldn’t find a lie this time so that her two weeks had advance notice? Lying is what they do. They couldn’t come up with something to make that transition easier instead of just boom she doesn’t work here anymore! and then for her to just walk in, I ask for breakfast she becomes irritated, says “don’t start with me. Today is not the day “ and walks out …….. it hurts deeply.
I’m so weepy today and I hate the fact that Mother’s Day is coming up cuz that’s all I’m seeing everywhere is Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day! I don’t even celebrate Mother’s Day but seeing it reminds me that my mother was mentally ill, cruel, unloving, and she left me too many times to count (saying it was my fault). My stomach hurts so badly. As heavy as that is, that isn’t why I was in the hospital.
I remembered something that will possibly help me move forward. This very materialistic, appearance conscious person, throws people away like candy wrappers. She can’t stand to be alone any length of time but if she can manipulate the support of others she’ll orchestrate an exit. The many exists she told me about we were while the person wasn’t home. It was planned behind their back. In other words, this is her MO. I’m just another piece of candy she got tired of and threw the wrapper on the ground. This is what she does.
It’s also hard knowing May 7th is the amputation anniversary date.
Hospital. I was in the hospital because of blood clots so painful I was writhing. My stomach turned violently but nothing came out. Violently! My complexion was off.
Of course they did every expensive test in the entire world and filled me with all sorts of stuff. But I come home with valuable information. I now have information that will help keep me out of the hospital so often. Sure wish I had it four months ago.
I was so exhausted when I came home that all I wanted to do was sleep. That did not happen. I had 5 necessary individuals to wait for, open the door and interact with before I could get some sleep. Coming home Friday was a long, long day.
Monday I’ll see my regular doctor. Wednesday I’ll see my Oncologist / Hematologist. I won’t get to talk to Dr D bc of medical appointments.
To keep me going I have the following:
Tears – They are cleansing. They are not a sign of weakness. They will help me expel toxins, relieve anxiety and stress.
I will have art – Get well cards for people at the Hall, my own artwork, doodling, any art
Letter writing – Nursing home individuals, others
Scripture, Prayer
Friends
Journaling – I have my written Journal, Gratitude Journal, Art Therapy Journal.
I will not abuse food or myself. My CNA will help me take all of my medications. She will help me to make sure I am doing all of my ADLs. And I’ll make it. It won’t be that long before I’m back on my feet emotionally and physically.
I don’t deserve pretty dentures after the way I treated my natural teeth, that’s the way I thought anyway. So when it came time to choose the color of my dentures I didn’t want to choose a pretty white. I was going to choose a coffee drinker white, or a color warranted by someone with obsessive compulsive disorder who could no longer brush her teeth because of issues. So when the dentist asked about color and showed me examples I said I didn’t know. She automatically picked a beautiful color. In shock I said, “Really. I can have that?”
It’s been 8 months since I had teeth. I eat without difficulty, but I didn’t look like myself. My self-esteem tanked. I didn’t know it could go lower, but it has.
I cried when I put in the new dentures today. I couldn’t believe that I look like me again. My lips were full again. And I just naturally smiled again! I couldn’t believe how different I felt about myself by putting in a very pretty pair of teeth that I didn’t even feel I deserved. Yes, I gave them back, but in three weeks time I’ll pick up my first pair of hand crafted dentures with my name in them.
I got the idea to ask for my name in them because a woman who was killed on Forensic Files was helped to be identified by the name in her dentures. No lie.
Soon I’ll start the YouTube classes for speech therapy with dentures.
I’m excited. Best of all, I’ll have my dentures before time to go on my trip.
You know what? I did better with boundaries and setting limits than I first remembered. I originally looked back at the year with the old CNA and saw how many times I drew the line.
The first thing was how she would shoo me away with the back of her hand. She’d say, “Go! ” and begin to shoo me out of the kitchen area or restroom area, wherever I was. It felt horrible. I asked her to stop but she told me I couldn’t tell her what to do with her hands. I said, when it makes me feel “that way” I absolutely can. I ended up needing to call the supervisor about it.
She began saying very racist things about two different races. It was crazy. I said, how soon you forget the very words used against you. “They’re taking over.” “They’re taking our jobs.” “They’re dirty.” How soon you forget!!
She talked about how she doesn’t eat food from certain people because she feels blacks cleaner than their race. I get tired of that mess!!
It’s insane to inflict on others what we have to endure. When I talked to the supervisor about racial slurs she was mad. Shouldn’t have kept saying it. Hatred has no place in my home! I won’t stand for it.
She told me I can’t tell her what she can say. My answer surprised her. I said. I absolutely can. I can. I did. If vitriol comes out of your mouth you will hear about it. You say horrible things sometimes!
So, thinking back, I didn’t let her run all over me. I tried very hard to keep boundaries with someone who became uninterested in civility.
While there were really good times we had many difficulties, mainly with her mouth. You know what though? It was the mouth of one CNA. I only had one person’s behavior to deal with. I didn’t have CNAs cycling in and out which made the situation manageable, for awhile.
Let me address her walking out on me. That hurt. It also hurt to find out she actually put in a 2 weeks notice and that would have been her last day anyway. She put in a 2 week notice (unknown to me) because I had to report her language. I kept asking her to stop dropping the F-bomb. Why do I need to keep asking? Why are you using that word at work, especially that much? She actually quit bc she didn’t appreciate being asked not to use that word between the hours of 10-3, three days a week.
I guess she couldn’t bring herself to be respectful to others or to love herself enough to not say hateful, racist things about others.
Early on she used to tell me she was going to leave and not come back. I asked her to stop. I don’t think it’s funny. She kept saying it so I told the supervisor. So now she’s gone. I’ve got mixed feelings.
I honestly liked her in the beginning. I still have empathy and sympathy, now with anger.
Today I started care at the eating disorder clinic for abstinence and binge eating. I didn’t feel judged at all. I didn’t feel like my size disgusted them.
I know not eating for 3 days is a problem but I didn’t realize it would be something to try to make me go inpatient for care. I said no. I’ve got too many issues. I’m better off here. Outpatient or half day care where I sleep here is fine. But I can’t go inpatient. I won’t tolerate it well.
We discussed my hatred for water except for what lives in it. I told him that when it gets on me at all I panic. It feels as if I’ll die. Like I’ll melt into a puddle of soup.
The OCD is significantly better in that it’s not ruining my life. The eating disorder is ruining my life.
Next month I see my Oncologist / Hematologist at a different clinic. I didn’t want to go to the hospital for care anymore so I’ll go to an outpatient clinic for treatment for blood clots associated with Lupus.
I can’t say enough how refreshing it is to have a good CNA! She’s been here a year. I hope she stays. 🙂
My July trip is getting closer. I’m excited! I’m making a wrap skirt with headdress and matching earrings.
This thing is huge so I’m going to make a wrap skirt and all that from this material. In general I don’t wear yellow but I’m wearing yellow in honor of my best friend who loves yellow and can’t travel to the convention center.
I’m actively saving for both trips. I don’t think I’ve been this strapped for cash in a long time. My basic needs are met but dang. Broke sums it up!
Well, for the first time ever, I’m adding a video security system to my tiny home. It’s mostly for when I’m not here. I hate that I have to do this. The world has changed. I have not changed with it nor will I. But adjustments for safety is a reasonable step to finally take.
Here’s Joe Schmoe, just for fun. My green eyed monster with an irritated look. He’s camera shy.
My mind will catch up with me if I turn over and go to sleep.
Grief will catch up with me if I allow my mind to slow down.
I’m afraid of the images that are so vivid even with my eyes closed so I watch worthless TV shows and listen to books I’ve heard more than the author has heard it himself.
I feel myself running. I’m afraid of being left. I hate hanging up the phone after therapy. I hate when my CNA leaves for the day. I feel alone in the world when people leave. It’s not that they are leaving to go home, it feels like they’re leaving me.
My face is different all the time.
I see my different selves in photos.
My appearance drastically changes as the day goes on.
It takes so much mental and physical energy to leave the house. When I return, I look swollen and tired. Seriously, these two photos were taken hours apart.
I often do not recognize myself in the mirror and that spooks me.
On days when this is happening I go in the restroom with the lights off, and keep my eyes down so I don’t catch the eyes of the person in the mirror.
I recently looked at more photos of my mother and her sisters. You can tell we share blood. I don’t mind clearly being from that family. Years ago I started getting ok in my head with having my mother’s hands. It feels like it should bother me to look so much like that family but it doesn’t. I suppose it would be another story if they were dog-butt ugly.
Art
I like to play with light on my face. I often want my face to be my art, expressing different emotions.
Photos after dental surgery (and with a filter) allowed me to show how my heart feels bruised and beaten by grief. It’s not just grief for -K-, it’s grief over the catastrophic consequences from the selfish choices my family routinely made when I was young. It’s grief over decisions I made as an adult trying to survive my past.
Sometimes these things feel as if they consume me.
*No worries. These photos are from past dental surgery. I’m 100% safe and healed, as seen in the recent photos at the top of the entry. *
I sold a few paintings.
I sold the little girl with the balloon
and the one about faith. The funds will go towards my trip at the end of June. I’m hoping to really fill my Etsy shop in hopes of making more money for my three day stay. I’ve also updated my Redbubble shopthat offers prints and products of my art pieces.
It’s 2 in the morning. I have things to do tomorrow but being alone in the dark is hard.
My head is no better than when I started writing. Please, I need peace inside.
Content – Dissociative Identity Disorder, Uncontrolled weight gain, CNA in public.
Dr. D hasn’t changed my diagnosis. He still recognizes the disorder. He wanted to know if I believe that ‘they’ are all me and not actually separate. I said, I know it’s impossible to have more than one person in my head, but I want you to understand that I’ve been doing the impossible for a very long time.
I told him that I used to think I wanted to be one person but now I’m not sure I could stand the silence. I get this image in my head of a single person standing in the middle of a black tunnel, alone. That’s how I view being one person. In the middle of a dark tunnel with very little air and a whole lot of silence.
While I’d love to have less noise in my head, I decidedly do not want to be just one person. I don’t want any new people either.
I shared with him that I felt very threatened by his questions and pressured by my insiders to speak up for them. They would have felt betrayed had I not stated that we’ve been doing the impossible for a long time, and they’re here.
I talked to him about how panicked I’ve been lately.
I’m having a hard time settling down enough to post art for sale in my shop. I’ve got six items but I can’t seem to get over there and post more. I don’t know why. So, I’m just letting myself paint as much as I need then when I’m able I’ll post more art for sale in my Etsy shop.
Me = I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today. I swear, pounds just pack on me no matter what I do. I feel so ugly.
I was supposed to go to the mall to roll around in my manual wheelchair but I’m afraid to go to the mall. I don’t want to get shot.
Could I somehow, some way get doctor’s clearance to go to Planet Fitness? Could I have CNA coverage and transportation? Am I a fool for even thinking it?
CNA = My psychopath CNA is going to get us killed with her rage, laying on the horn yelling at people. I don’t want to continue to intervene as if somehow I’m here social worker or therapist. I have to let her know that if her actions cause the police to be called, she can’t work for me any longer. I’m going to have to tell her that it’s not a joke, if someone calls the police bc you threw something or threatened someone, you don’t work here anymore.
I had a really nice Saturday person that cared for me. I hope she can return.
Why do I hate myself for having care? I don’t think everyone inside agrees with that statement.
