Category: Sketchbook diary

Half a Century More

Posted on by Faith

I started this little painting back in October of last year but I just now finished it. It looks so much better in person than the terrible photograph. This 7×10 watercolor piece has a lot of numbers on it. The numbers are ages that were very significant to me with age 47 being the last significant age on the painting.

The painting shows a young girl who divides the paper. She’s a young me with a split face depicting multiple personalities. Though I don’t know the exact age I split, I’m sure I was fully a multiple by the age of nine. I have a few symbols in the painting like a peanut and a purple butterfly as well as a wheelchair with a sunflower instead of a wheel.

One of the most significant things about this painting is the tree. It is bare on one side and full of colorful leaves on the other. Though they’re fall leaves that are technically dying, the point was to have colorful and lively leaves like seen in the Fall, which happens to be my favorite season.

I call the painting Half a Century More because of what a friend said to me jokingly the other day. I told her I’m about to turn 50 and she said, “Oh, you’re going to be half a century old.” Well I tell you I was floored!!! Wow. Do you have to put it that way? It took a few days to kind of get settled with it but now I think to myself, I’ve lived a half century but I’d like to live a half century more. I’d like to have a lot more art to paint, dolls to sew and days to figure out how to be happiest.

I won’t be 50 until August but I’m so, so exited I can’t stand it. I honestly never expected to see that number. For many reasons I didn’t expect to be here but half a century on and I’m still kicking!

Faith

Paranoia Art

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When I was young my mother used to tell me quite often that a person was trying to punish her for a perceived slight. She constantly accused my sister and myself of stealing money from her purse even though neither of us had done so. I didn’t realize then it was paranoia but now I see her behavior so clearly that it frightens me.

As she got older her paranoia got even worse. She feared I was trying to kill her, feared my sister had conspired with me to kill her, so on and so forth. She trusted no one but her baby sister, no one.

I fear being like her in this way. I have recently had bouts with paranoia, nothing like she had, but paranoia nonetheless. I don’t fear people are watching me or trying to kill me. I just watch everything because I don’t trust much. I then become obsesses with matters until I exhaust my mind.

My paranoia worries me. My obsessions worry me. I hope that I’d accept medication and treatment if things got to the point of how they were with my mother.

This 7×10 piece was drawn then painted in watercolor in my art journal pad. It shows a young girl (me) with her eyes closed and an unreal world swirling around her. Her body twists into a background of watching eyes that trust nothing.

Faith

Anxiety. Art. Gratitude.

Posted on by Faith
The Sun Will Rise – Nightmares, Multiple Personality Disorder, eyes and flowers. Watercolor and ink 7 x 10

I’m still screaming and fighting in my sleep about things that happened two and a half decades ago. It makes me wonder if I will ever have peaceful sleep. I feel like I have a measure of peace in my waking hours but sleep is haunted, vicious.

I See – A deformed girl in a garden of eyes and flowers. Watercolor and ink. 7 x 10

Today my anxiety took a turn for the worse. I’ve started seeing things move out of the corner of my eye, things that aren’t there when I turn to see. I recognize this as a symptom of my anxiety. It’s a warning to me that I’ve got to put my best coping skills in the front so I can calm down.

Anxiety really got bad when I received an alert over my phone saying that Indiana is now under a curfew. What perilous times we live in. I was comforted by the fact that the elders from the Kingdom Hall (my place of worship) contacted me to let me know that there’s a curfew and I should take it seriously and be inside for my safety. They offered a few practical suggestions that also helped me feel safer and less anxious.

Tomorrow starts another day, one I do not feel will be any better than today. It will be a mess, but I will meet it with my head up and my heart full of hope.

This takes me to the newest purchase. First off, I sold 4 dolls and 7 art pieces in two weeks so I decided to buy something special for myself. I purchased a leather bound journal for my gratitude entries. I’m so happy with it. I love it.

9 x 5

I’ve got a special pen, given to me by a special friend, that I’ll use for this very special gratitude journal. It’s so pretty in person that I hesitated to write in it for two days. I wrote my first entry today which gave thanks for the people I’m surrounded by that are my family of choice.

Today I took the opportunity to express my love for family and friends by making calls and sending emails. I’m not quite finished yet. I want to make a tiny little difference in their day with an encouraging call, text or email. As I said, we live in perilous times and people are probably just as anxious as I’ve been. I guess I just want to recognize that by reaching out.

That’s all for this evening.

Faith

Self distancing and art journal

Posted on by Faith
Coronavirus Hope Art

Self distancing is not as “easy” as I thought it would be. The first few days there was loneliness and anxiety. I’m not sure if it’s anxiety all from the coronavirus or if it’s anxiety because the coronavirus is on the back of the shots and insurance saga without a single second to recharge. Frankly, I’m a bit stressed and feeling needy.

In mmy watercolor art piece I added a drawing of all the things I 💜 that I am holed up with. Tea, fish, art itself, my frogs, snails and of course Joe the cat.

Shots Saga – watercolor / ink

At this time I’m letting in very few people, three of which are my CNAs. Well, we kind of got into a little spat over the art piece Spring Mary because the CNA thinks the skin is too dark, she should smile and her hair isn’t long enough. I asked if she’s buying the piece and since she’s not AND has not constructive criticism to offer then she should silence herself.

The art piece Mary Spring was a tipping point. At least 5 other art pieces have been met with brutal nagging about skin color and such. I had enough!

The last art piece included is an acrylic drawing I did of me walking at night in the grass. I wrote a tad about the argument.

Black Words

All art is done in my 7 x 10 watercolor pad which I totally love. I love how each media looks on this paper which is 140lb paper with a nice tooth. I so 💜 paper. Sorry for such dark photos, though.

Faith

Panic Attacks

Posted on by Faith

I’m not sure what my problem is but I’ve been having panic attacks lately. Today’s panic attack included holding my chest, fast breathing and vomiting. I’m not sure what is causing it but it started over a week ago. I talked about it in therapy.

I’m doing some deep breathing as well as keeping my eyes open so as not to close into myself. I’m hanging out with the cat and watching the aquarium fish. I’ve also done several journal pages.

Wine in time

Wine in Time is done in watercolor and ink in watercolor paper pad. 7×10.

Panic Scramble

Panic Scramble was created with acrylics and ink in a watercolor paper pad. It’s also 7×10 inches.

Faith

The Invisible Children

Posted on by Faith

The Invisible Children is a haunting and surreal scene of sunflowers at night, a full moon, ravens flying and figures in the flowers at the base of a large, bare tree. It is a dark, fluid piece, full of small details.

The Invisible Children

Art Title: The Invisible Children
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Media: Acrylic paint, ink, paper
Size: 5.5 x 8.5, unmounted, raw art

Please visit me in my Etsy shop for original art, such as above, and handmade dolls.

www.Sundrip.etsy.com or contact me at SundripJournals@gmail.com for a PayPal invoice.

Thank you for visiting Sundrip

Faith

What If. Art Thoughts.

Posted on by Faith

All ‘what if’ roads lead to nowhere.

I got to thinking, what if I get this art table but I still don’t paint? Then of course my head took off, so I decided to sit in my wheelchair at the dinner table and paint a ‘what if’ road map.

What If. All what if roads lead to nowhere.

What if I struggle with the idea of changing my apartment to something new? Do I want to deal with this change?

After flipping out a bit I realized that I am more than ready for this change.

Black Swan. Change.

I’m going to set aside $50 for the table now so that next month I can add the other $50 and make this much needed adjustment. The art table I have now is simply too tall.

Until I get the new art table I’ll use the dinner table very, very carefully. I use my dinner table for letter writing too and the last thing I want is for it to look like an art table with paint all over it. It’s already old and beat up but paint spill free. I’m ok with spills and such on the art table though.

Dr D asked if I think my art will change subject matters once I truly paint again. Well, we’ll see soon, won’t we?

Jordan

Art Therapy Work

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These pieces were worked on in the last two weeks. There’s been a lot of art lately but hardly any of it has hit the internet. I’m falling behind on it, however, today there are a few to show.

They’re all four different from one another. Creating them was quite emotional, especially the last piece when Robert spoke with Dr. D about some difficulties he was having.

The black and white mask is also by Robert. The other two are by Michelle. All are created in watercolor. The last one has crayon as well.

Today in therapy we talked about how difficult it can be to sit here with our CNA day after day and not have her know a thing about our DID. Today two of our snails died just before the CNA arrived which means we had to just swallow it down and not think about it. That’s difficult for a kid who just lost her pet. It can be difficult for me, Jordan, to stay out for 6 hours, 6 days a week but so far it’s happened. So far we’ve kept our secret.

Jordan

I Can Keep Going.

Posted on by Faith
hate life renewed energy Sundrip

I Can Keep Going was drawn by Robert (19) with writing by Michelle (12).

What stands out in this piece for me is the brick wall on the shoulders of the largest figure. We are feeling a lot of pressure right now.

I like how Michelle processes things: This is how I feel. This is the reality. This is supporting truth.

I’ve not been suicidal but life has felt like a burden, emotionally and physically painful. Several factors played into not getting enough sleep so that was a problem, too. Each day is a struggle that feels like a losing battle but the reality is I’ve made progress and I’m moving forward in many healthier ways. I slip up, like the other day with self harm, but I also put in place safety plans and try to find ways to help myself. Lavender in the nose and on my feet has helped tremendously, so has the art sketchbook. It feels like a losing battle but it is not. I know I can keep going, and I will.

The art piece was created in watercolor and is 7.5 x 10 inches on 98lb paper.

Robert

The Grumpy CNA

Posted on by Faith
words fma

Content: Suicide. Blood. Emotional angst.

Cruel Words was painted by several of us. What strikes me is how affected I was by the suicide of the CNA’s friend.

In the drawing there are heads blown off the people in the trees. That’s a first for drawings and hopefully the last. I know the kids inside were very affected by the suicide. Having her cry in our arms that way was very heavy.

I fired my regular CNA who had cruel words for me. Anxiety is already high for us, we don’t need to worry about the mouth of our CNA and what she will say that’ll hurt.

The grumpy CNA is pregnant with three weeks left. It is entirely possible that her change of attitude is purely hormonal, however, the irritability and weariness she caused couldn’t be tolerated. It is also true that I can’t justify asking an 8 month pregnant woman to lift my wheelchair and take me to the doctor. I feel horrible asking her to do my laundry or run the sweeper. The girl is tired and irritable! Dang!!!

I like her but the change in her isn’t safe for my personal issues, ya know? I talked to her about why I fired her and she said she knows she’s hormonal and understands. I even told her it’s about time to take maternity leave because she can’t be at my house when her water breaks. lol. I can’t handle that. I don’t know nothin about birthin no babies.

Firing my CNA was the right thing to do. I was walking on eggshells in my own home and that can’t be. So, on to the next chapter in the CNA Saga.

The art piece was created in watercolor and is 7.5 x 10 inches on 98 lb paper.

Robert