Sundrip Journals
Ah yes. It’s Friday. There will be popcorn and beer, art and music. Let’s get this party started!
The studio shelves are stocked with supplies. I’m ready to go. I’ve been working on a small piece for a few weeks now and I’m past ready to finish it.
It’s been a week of high anxiety and OCD symptoms but I’d like to put all that behind me and just have a little fun. So that is what I’m going to do.
Faith
⤠Faith
Sometimes I paint on a tiny little canvas because it feels less overwhelming and very doable. Larger canvas is hard to manage so I don’t mess with that at all but even at times an 8 x 10 piece of paper is daunting, so I pull out a small little canvas and let my mind play.
Lately I’ve painted sunflower after sunflower. It’s my go to art symbol that represents an array of mixed and confusing emotion with dissociation and multiplicity. One thing I recently learned about the sunflower is that when the sun isn’t out sunflowers face each other and sort of share energy.
The sunflower is the absolute perfect symbol of multiplicity. It’s got all those little lives (seeds) in its head. It can be a larger than life support system for itself and others which I find very, very cool.
One tiny painting included in this entry shows a little black girl hanging on to a huge sunflower. The other is a sunflower abstract. Each painting is on a 2.5 x 3.5 inch birch wood canvas. I used acrylic paint and ink then gave them a gloss finish. These little tiny art pieces would have originally shown up in my Etsy shop, however, they’ve been sold.
In between creating tiny art there is more doll making and art journaling, which I shall share at a later date.
Thanks for visiting Sundrip. If this is your first time then, welcome. If you are a regular reader, thanks so much for coming back.
Faith
I sat down to hand sew dolls but my hands cramped and spasmed terribly. I thought I’d try to see if I could use my sewing machine despite half a foot amputated and despite significant nerve damage. I had my CNA bring it to the table but I didn’t try anything until after she left because I didn’t want to embarrass myself if I couldn’t properly feel and safely control the pedal.
There was all kinds of anxiety because I worried I’d press the pedal at the wrong time and sew my hand or something. Anxiety was high but so was my drive to find out if I could do it and save myself some pain while making dolls.
When I turned it on I acclimated myself to how the pedal felt under my foot. I got my brain to recognize the new sensation without automatically recoiling. After a few minutes I pushed the pedal with the machine turned off. I got used to that and got brave enough to turn it on.
I’m so happy I tried. I’ve used the machine several times now and what I discovered is that the nerve damage affects sewing ability. Sometimes the stump hurts too much to add any pressure at all or I can’t feel or control the stump enough to press the pedal. Those issues prevent me from regularly using the machine, but when I can I will use it to my advantage.
It’s been a week since I’ve used the sewing machine but when I was able I sewed the hands and legs for six dolls.
My hands want to give me trouble and my feet are a mess but between the two I am able to offer up dolls I’m proud of. They’re now about 25% sewn by machine but 100% homemade. I still hand paint the flesh tone, put it all together by hand and hand stitch in the hair. I still hand draw and hand paint the faces. The only thing that has changed is using the machine to create the arms and legs. Later down the road I may use the machine to help make the doll’s dress. We’ll have to see where my confidence leads me.
As mentioned in my last entry, I’ve started making bears again. I’m not using the machine with these which means it’s taking longer to finish them. I will post my finished products as soon as possible.
Until soon….
Faith
I started this painting a few years ago but just couldn’t get it so I used gesso and removed everything I want to change. I’ve put the painting on the easel and will turn it and look at it from all angles for the next few days. This will help me to know which direction I’m going with it.
In my little studio apartment I’ve got all the art I’m working on sitting out. This means my CNA and other visitors can see it. I’m not all the way comfortable with this but there’s basically nowhere to put work in progress other than right here in the open so I can see it. I used to have my studio in my bedroom and had all the privacy I needed to work. I could hang work in progress without anyone seeing it. That’s not the case anymore.
Today the nurses assistant saw the piece The Rescuer and said, “This has to mean something. You didn’t just put anything on paper. This has to mean something to you.” What she said wasn’t critical at all just inquisitive. Because the art is just out there I can’t say anything about her viewing it but it still puts me on the spot. It feels like I’m exposed. I’ll have to get used to that because I have no intention of moving to a bigger space where I’m afforded more privacy. This is home. Super tiny yet perfect. Gotta work with it.
So what does The Rescuer mean to me? I look at the person in blue and see myself being pulled up. I see the person in brown as me, too. I’m pulling myself out of a sea of past memories, past abuses. What is the large head facing the left? That is me also. It’s the only figure with some noticeable features. She’s looking away from all she needs to be rescued from.
The painting will become more and more personal I’m sure. I hope to work in the evenings and let it dry over night so that I can place it in a spot that doesn’t spotlight it. Even if this doesn’t happen, I’ll eventually become more comfortable with others viewing art that is personal. I don’t have to give any information on it. I can always say something like, “It’s a fantasy piece” or “It’s just surreal type artwork, don’t read too much into it.” Whatever I say, it doesn’t have to be all my business. However, it would be a good idea to have my comment in mind before I have to use it, this way I can say it naturally and cut the conversation short.
I look forward to finishing The Rescuer and seeing what comes of her. I’ll post it when she’s finished.
Faith
I’ve been working on a schedule for fitting my life together neatly. I need to wake early to get everything done in a day’s time.
I start all my Bible study, Christian reading and volunteer work around 7am to 9am daily. That 2 hours in the morning is strictly for Bible activities.
At 9am to 3pm the CNA is here. This time includes the basics of 2 meals, doctor appointments, grocery shopping, managing pets and so on. At 3pm I’m dead to the world and must sleep. I wake at 5pm, eat a little and have the rest of the evening to do as I please. I’m no longer one who stays awake all night which means the evening ends around 10:00pm, with my body telling me it should be sooner. Lol
One of the “do as I please” moments included finishing the first real painting in a year! The other painting on the table (with the blue face) is an art piece that waited 9 years for completion.
Once I got my new art table, painting became physically easier and is something I look forward to. I’ve also gotten back to more advertising and running the Etsy site.
I can’t say the table was my only reason for not painting. I know there were emotional factors that inhibited flow, but having the new table helps me tremendously. I just love it and wish I’d purchased it sooner. While I say that I realize I may not have been ready and that the table was replaced when my heart was again ready for creative freedom. That’s what it feels like to truly paint again, freedom.
I’m loving this and it couldn’t have come at a better time. February is hard for me with all its anniversaries. I’ve been fighting and kicking in my sleep, screaming out and having terrible dreams. It’s not been fun, but it has been safe for me because I have my art as a coping skill again. I’ve even painted when the physical pain got exceedingly high. The return of art has been healing on many fronts. Soon I will post the painting of the little girl l finished from 2011 and the one I started and finished two days ago.
â¤ï¸ Faith
All ‘what if’ roads lead to nowhere.
I got to thinking, what if I get this art table but I still don’t paint? Then of course my head took off, so I decided to sit in my wheelchair at the dinner table and paint a ‘what if’ road map.
What if I struggle with the idea of changing my apartment to something new? Do I want to deal with this change?
After flipping out a bit I realized that I am more than ready for this change.
I’m going to set aside $50 for the table now so that next month I can add the other $50 and make this much needed adjustment. The art table I have now is simply too tall.
Until I get the new art table I’ll use the dinner table very, very carefully. I use my dinner table for letter writing too and the last thing I want is for it to look like an art table with paint all over it. It’s already old and beat up but paint spill free. I’m ok with spills and such on the art table though.
Dr D asked if I think my art will change subject matters once I truly paint again. Well, we’ll see soon, won’t we?
Jordan
Finding artwork created by alter personalities used to happen quite a bit. I thought it was strictly a thing of the past but I guess I was wrong. It would seem that I still find art I don’t know a thing about. I was quite shocked to see the piece called My Sister in the middle of the entry Half of Us and All. That piece is by Michelle and I have no recollection of it. I was relieved to see it though because I thought the only thing I am no capable of is abstract images in black and white. I thought I was all arted out or something. So when I saw her drawing and several of Robert’s drawings, I was quite pleased that we’ve still got some art images in us to put on paper. I’m not going to press it though. If all I can do is put ink on paper from corner to corner like in this entry then so be it. If other times I paint or draw something more ‘substantial’ then that’s fine, too.
Dr. D and I talked about my creative goals for next year. My goal is simple which means its going to be difficult. My goal is to have some fun, just let it be. That’s what I intend to do. I’m not going to force myself to create anything. I’m not going to nag myself or get down on myself. I create what I create. I paint what I paint.Â
I am also in a newer financial situation. For the first time in about ten years its not imperative that I sell art each month. My rent is affordable now.
Though I no longer get government assistance with food, I am at least able to budget the same amount I used to get so that my food purchases don’t need to change just because the money source did. Well, I shouldn’t say I don’t get foodstamps any longer. I get $15.00 each month for food from the government. I look at that number and just laugh. How did they come to that amount? I knew with rent so low I’d lose quite a few foodstamps but $15 is insulting. Even so, things are much easier now, financially speaking. Things got bad for a minute there.Â
Dr. D wanted to know if the subject matter of my art will change with stresses lower and with my goal of fun in mind. No. I doubt it. My art changes when something emotional happens in my life. The subject of my art changes when an alter paints instead of me or that alter is in therapy. Michelle (age 12) is taking some of the time for her stuff our in office sessions. Robert used to do that but hasn’t since we got sick last time. He’s sort of in a managerial position inside and is doing his very best to keep us all on the same page with things running smoothly. He’s busy keeping us sane, taking meds and dealing with CNA stuff. I’m happy to see he’s sketching and painting in the book. I’ll scan that next week. For now I just have black and white ink work which is art worked on by several of us. I have no intention of adding color.Â
This goal of creative fun is of interest to me because it comes at the tail end the honeymoon of my post hospitalization. I can tell I’m still very shocked and traumatized by what happened so it interests me that I would say I just want to have some fun. I don’t want to worry about producing something worthy of showing on the blog. I want the weight of my own criticism and expectations to no longer crush my creative process and enjoyment. I want to go with the flow more. I don’t want to see this as my job. Yeah, it is my job. I paint and sell my artwork and dolls. This is my employment, but never should I burden myself or load myself with unreachable expectations. So, lets see what stress I can throw off in 2019. Lets see if I can allow myself to have some creative fun.Â
Because my plate is full and I’m a bit overwhelmed with life, I’ve only set the one creative goal for 2019. I usually do three but not for the coming year.Â
Jordan
Needed: HP 61 Black Ink Cartridge for HP desk jet 1512. Will trade for art.
See Amazon wish list for specific details on the cartridge.
www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/22P3DQ2HFF80Y/
Email me for barter details. Contact info is on the sidebar. 🙂
Thanks,
Faith
I changed my tea painting and added a short
quote. I couldn’t help myself. I like it better this way. I think it would look great in an all white frame but there wasn’t one on the framing program used.
“Where there’s tea there’s hope” is a small painting of 4 inches by 6 inches. It’s created in watercolor and ink and is on 98lb paper. The details on the flower and cup are easier to see in person.
I’ve also been playing with acrylic and rubbing alcohol. I cleaned my brushes of acrylic paint on a 4 x 7 piece of cardstock then went back and treated the paper with the 91 percent alcohol. I sprayed some it as well as dropped some. I swirled the paper and let it drip until I saw a pattern I liked.
I can save this textured abstract piece for later as pull art or for a collage. I could add a small cut out from my huge stash. Who knows what the cut out would be. I’ve got everything from figures to flowers to trees and animals, all from art that didn’t work out but that had parts worth saving. I use my x-acto knife and save what can be saved for projects just like this. The other thing is, I can leave it just the way it is and frame it as a temporary piece of art just to look at for a little while. I tend to do that. I switch up art on a wall in the living room making the wall an ever changing, energized display of color and texture.
Here are a few pieces in currently hanging in my living room on the art wall.
Faith