The People Behind My Eyes

Of course she’s been on my mind for weeks now. I mean come on, I was with her for a long time but it would be nice to have her only on my mind when I can control the content. What strikes me about this dream is she popped up out of nowhere bringing in Captain and a puppy I’d gotten that looks just like Captain. I’d left Cap at the doctor’s office in the yard. He was playing while I got a massage but somehow I forgot to get him and the pup before I got in the cab and went home. She showed up with both of them. She showed up rather unannounced too. She’s changed her hair to a style she and I once talked about. She said as a child people pressured her into getting a spiral perm but she saw how horrible it looked on others and refused to get one. There she stood in my kitchen trying to comb out this spiral perm that she dyed jet black. It looked just as awful as we both figured it would. She was willing to do anything, lose herself, offer her peace of mind, to have me back. She was the same desperate woman I knew before. She was also the same woman I’d been in love with before we even got together.

Let me back up to the doctor’s office. That was stranger than her coming in with a spiral perm asking me to have her back. In the office I had to pass a waiting room full of baby ducks and chicks. They were of various ages but still considered ducklings, they were all fuzzy and yellow, some with brown, some solid white. Significant is that they were whole. I’ve dreamed so many times about cats with missing body parts or how they’re faces smoothed over showing no discernible features. They were often just a head or just a torso but hardly ever where they whole OR cute. These ducklings and baby chicks were fluffy, healthy and cute. They were also in need of homes. I volunteered to come up to the office and help socialize them (as if they were feral kittens in a shelter) and prepare them for an eventual home. I decided to come up on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s, ironically the day after my therapy sessions I was willing to go up and help these little me’s on an individual basis so they would get a good home. I picked up one and put his head over my shoulder. He was having none of it. There was too much to see at that high up level so he looked around then turned back at me and pecked my nose gently. It was cute. I then went in to get a massage. On the way out I forgot to bring my dog and his little twin home with me.

I walked up the path to the door which happened to be the apartment I lived in when I left my husband. Once inside the apartment became my aunt’s house, the one where she had a duck pond on the grounds. I use to sit in her kitchen looking out on her patio while drinking coffee. I watched the duck pond as fog hung over it in astounding beauty. It was early, early morning. I was the only one up. That beauty is something I’ve never forgotten, that and my sisters moment of “Mama look, Holy Spirit”. That moment on the patio watching the ducks was like something right out of an Ansel Adams photo. I don’t need a camera to capture that moment. Its right here as vivid as when I first saw it.

In the dream, in the aunt’s house, a second friend stood half dressed at the sink. She was washing her hair. She turned and told me Blossom was here. That’s when Blossom walked up to me and said, “Please, let me back in your life.” I didn’t reply. I didn’t reply in anger nor in agreement but I thought to myself, “I’ve missed you.”

Later in the dream where I see myself expressing a longing for emotional connection is when Blossom and I were entangled. We were fully clothed but we were wrapped around one another. Of significance is that we were in the alley crouched down but wrapped around each other. I was in the front, she was against the wall. The position, though sexual, was more for closeness and connection than anything else. We use to do that all the time in bed, wrap ourselves around one another for closeness. She always wanted to photograph that. She said the contrast of skin must be a sight to see. Is that what you were thinking during a time of such intimacy? I should have this photographed?

Also in the dream she and I took a nap and my cousin Wolf showed up. He kept promising he was just there for the closeness and wasn’t there to hurt me. I tried to fall back to sleep (in the dream) but I wasn’t able to. I got up, he left the dream.

Also in the dream, which I find very interesting is that in all four corners of the living room up by the curtain rods were dolls hanging by their heads. They hung there like dolls and stuffed animals do at a street carnival. Strawberry Shortcake as well as several dolls that were popular as a child hung by the curtains I have in my living room right now.

I know for a fact that I’m lonely for companionship. I know for a fact the thought of having a new girlfriend has been on my mind. Right now the loneliness is strong. It is not strong enough to ever answer Blossom’s question with a yes, yes you can come back into my life.

J of A

Dreams and Longing-Sunday, December 02, 2007-12:46PM EST

Dreams Therapy: Dreams and Longing
Dreams Therapy: Dreams and Longing Re-written