The People Behind My Eyes

What my mother put her children though was nothing but criminal and hedonistic. The damage she caused is long term and some damage may never heal. The abuse was my mother’s fault and not the fault of my brother and sister or me. But there were some things in my adult life that I did while attempting to dealing with the abuse. The harm I caused myself will take time to heal as well; some self harm may not heal at all.

1) My mother starved me or made me work like a dog for my meals. As an adult I carried the idea that if I didn’t work my butt off then I didn’t deserve to eat. The mother also said that the law required her to feed us but that it didn’t tell her what she had to feed us. What the children ate depended on how hard we worked, physically or sexually. My mother was wrong to use food as a tool for punishment. Food became associated with pain, fear and feelings of worthlessness. All of this affected me in my adult years. There were times I starved myself or times when I didn’t feel I deserved to eat a good meal so I’d purge to punish myself. While my behavior was understandable, I can not blame my mother for the years I chose to vomit and starve. Her abuse certainly affected my food issues she did not put her finger down my throat as I stood over the toilet. One lead to the other but I could have taken a more healthy road. The damage that I caused to my body is nothing compared to the damage to my self esteem.

2) When everything else seems under someone else control the sense of powerlessness drives us to seek ways to take that control back, Even if the methods we use are self destructive they still give us the feeling of power over our lives. I use to control my urine or bowels and got the same sense of control felt when I practiced bulimia. I’d hold it and refuse to go to the restroom until I got good and ready. As an adult I felt the mother was still controlling me because I had nightmares about the abuse, I could feel her on my body when she wasn’t really there, I could see her face in my head and hear her say my name in that famous disappointing tone. I felt like even thought I didn’t live at home she lived in my head. I was grasping at straws to find a way to get away from her. I tried all kinds of things. It’s natural to want to take it back control but I could have found other ways to do it. Holding my urine has caused damage that I can not correct. Bulimia is a constant issue but one that is currently under check.

How does a person find other ways to cope that will lead them to forgiveness? The tools that helped me see my past and current behavior came from working one on one with a therapist. Managing my mental health on my own wasn’t working. When a survivor is left alone with their thoughts the ability to draw reasonable conclusions diminishes significantly. Feedback from a professional who is not attached to my personal pain proved to be a powerful healing tool. Attempting to keep my secrets to myself got me in trouble, it’s how I ended up acting out. I needed to find a way to deal with myself because I knew I wasn’t doing a good job of it. So I went to therapy.

When it was first brought up that I needed to forgive myself I was pissed. I got up and walked out. In my heart I still blamed myself for the abuse but I needed to hide behind the idea that everything was her fault. I didn’t want people to know I blamed myself. I didn’t want anyone to try and change that belief because if that fundamental belief changed then I could no longer justify what happened to me back then. It was easier to say I was bad than to admit that my mother could willingly hurt me. It is more palatable to say the problem is me than to realize that Mama didn’t love me enough to not hurt me. What the therapist was trying to explain was that the abuse IS my mothers fault but as an adult I behaved in harmful ways that I would need to let go and move past. I had to grasp the first concept of responsibility before I could even tackle the second aspect of it. My head was a mess and I just got up and walked out.

After years of therapy (I currently have 16 under my belt) I came to the conclusion that the abuse was wrong and vile and that the responsibility rests on my mothers shoulders and hers alone. I came to understand that as a child I didn’t have the thinking ability to deal with my mother’s abuse. A young adult when I purged or held my urine I still didn’t have the proper skills to deal with my emotions. Through therapy I processed the emotions and found real coping skills. I now realize that binging, purging, holding my elimination processes as well as other negative behaviors are all the responsibility of one person: me. (I still struggle with self-mutilation to an extent. I haven’t totally let that one go yet.) Forgiving myself only took place when I was given the tools to do so. You never find good coping skills at a bar, on the shelf of a liquor store, in someone’s bed or with any other masking behavior. People without good coping skills tend to mask pain with actions that cause more pain. I was doing that.

No survivor can survive alone. We need someone trained to deal with abuse issues to help us process the past and plan for the future. It is possible that without good help I might still be contained by the false idea that my mother’s abusive behaviors were my fault. I was pissed when the therapist told me I needed to forgive myself but even more so, I was in pain and needed to find a way to manage it. I went back. I’m happy I did.

Part Three: Forgiveness Opens and Closes Doors
Part three is in response to the emails I’ve been getting about not forgiving my mother.

old entries on forgiveness can be found by using the search box with the word forgiveness or you can use the links below.

How Forgivness Is Explained As An Abstract Idea

Forgiving myself Part One of Three

Forgiving myself Part Two of Three

Forgiving myself Part Three of Three - Forgiveness Opens and Closes Doors

Forgiving Myself Part Two
March 14, 2006 / 4:40 PM