The People Behind My Eyes

I have been considering changing the cats name ever since she had that close call with death. When she was seizing and had such bad tremors I remember thinking that it would be by grace that she lived. Since the day we knew realized she would make it through and live we’ve wanted to change her name to Petey’s Grace instead of Lake-a Gray Girl.

She is such a special girl. Before she almost died we weren’t that attached to her. I think it was the fight she put up that drew us to her as a living spirit and not just something soft to cuddle. She inspires me. Despite the fact that she was so dang ugly, her will to live was strong and beautiful. I wept and wept when I thought she might die. I held her little body gently when it was thrashing about and expected to feel her heart burst when her chest was cradled in my hand. I even thought to myself, if she is going to suffer like this it would be better for her to go now. When I thought that Little Gray lifted her head and looked up at me like, “who me?” That glance kind of took me back. She wasn’t in the throws of a seizure but she was weak. She lifted her head and looked at me almost as if she felt my spirit give up on her. It was an amazing moment that would affect decisions made in her best interest.

Those few days when it was touch and go changed my outlook on loosing a pet. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to it. For a moment I was wrapped up in myself because I knew I loved the kitten. I was worried about losing her. I didn’t want her to die but I didn’t want her to linger either. It was clear she was fighting so the decision to set my personal feelings aside and let her take the lead in treatment was a difficult one to make. I let her lead in that as long as she fought I would. I was still afraid though. I feared that she didn’t understand what was happening to her body and that she’d lose her mind. God, I feared that so much. Between the seizures and the full body tremors she suffered more than any animal ever should.

I was also worried that if she did live she would have permanent neurological damage because the toxins attacked her nervous system which is why she had constant violent tremors in all her limbs from head to toe simultaneously. Her jaw thrashed open and closed and her eyes were huge with fear and exhaustion. I just thought that if she did make it through she’d have some sort of neurological damage. Balance is everything to a cat. I didn’t want her to live life with the balance of a human.

All of this was going through my head while I held her and talked to her. I knew she was fighting so I was too but I had to decide what my next step would be if things turned for the worse. I know how to do CPR on a kitten because I was trained to do it. But I feared that I’d bring her back just to have her linger in pain and die anyway. The decision to not do CPR was based on her what was best for her. I figured that I would stop only when her body stopped. So I stayed up for the most of two days feeding her water. Close to the end of the second day I started feeding her lactose free Enfamil. She had such a quick turn around after the baby formula feeding. When I fed her water at first she fought because she didn’t know what it was but after getting a little bit on her scratchy tongue she didn’t fight anymore at all.

She did live, thank goodness. She lived and has quite the personality on her. The few months I’ve had her she’s won my heart like a thoroughbred race horse taking first place by a land slide. She touched me so quickly in such a short period of time, how will it be years from now when she’s driven into me that she’s in my life for a reason? A friend of mine, a good friend, lost her dog Petey recently. He meant a lot to that family. Though I never met him it felt like I knew him. When she told me of his passing and about picking up his toys I could see my friend grieving in an incredible way. I know it was so much worse than what I felt when holding Little Gray when she was sick. My heart dropped so far the day Petey passed to The Rainbow Bridge.

I hope that Gracie will make me smile for years to come like Petey did with his family. I miss Petey even though I never had the pleasure of scratching his ears or being attacked with doggie kisses or being assaulted with doggie farts. But I know that Petey did these things with his human family. At the end he didn’t want to go, he kept hanging on but my friend gave him permission to let go. His memory is alive and well. I’m sure if the wind blows just right she can catch Petey’s scent and know it as faithful and loving. Every once in awhile she may hear the thump, thump of his tail on the floor wagging in sync with the beating of her heart. Petey’s new home is in her heart and to me, that’s a safe, warm and cozy place for Petey to be. Petey, you are missed.

In honor of her long time faithful four legged family member and in honor of the strength of all living spirits we are proud to announce the new name of our kitty- Petey’s Grace.

Austin’s August

Kitten Name Change: A Moment Of Paws
Monday, January 23, 2006 4PM