The People Behind My Eyes

In my bedroom the floor has a slight slant towards the south side of the room. I had to move my bed so that I wasn’t laying vertically on that slant. When my friend and I were trying to decide where to move the bed we ran into a snag. I have to have it away from the door AND against a wall. This presented a problem because there are only 4 walls but I have 2 doors leading into the bedroom. It was quite annoying to this non-MPD friend because to her, moving the bed was “just” moving the bed. Over dinner she told me why she no longer has issues with sexual abuse. She said she had a dream about being back in Sioux City and she met her abuser by a river. They met half way and she got up close in his face and said, “I forgive you.” She said she hasn’t had any issues with it since. Well, good for you Mrs. I still scream in my sleep! So, if I forgive my mother, my cousin and my uncle I could have my bed anywhere in the room that I want it without having to irritate her and shoot down her suggestions of bed placement. Since that isn’t reasonable I decided to not seek her help in where to put the bed. Actually, I didn’t seek her help. She just started making suggestions. Fortunately I’m able to politely decline assistance.

Getting back to the bed placement issue, I have to be far away from the door, as far as possible. I also need to be at an angle where I am not looking directly at the door because I’ll watch it all night instead of relaxing and falling asleep. I also need a wall to put my back up against. It gives me less open/attack space. No one can come up from behind me. The thing is, I often sleep towards the wall in kind of a hiding position. It’s one of those “If I can’t see them then they can’t see me” kinda things. So, sleeping is difficult. I don’t even do well with the phrase, “bed time.” It makes my skin crawl and then I’m angry.

I noticed also that when I sleep I need to feel something heavy over me. I may be hot but I need to feel the weight of the covers on me in sort of a protective way. I also can not just lie down and sleep. I have to either burn incense or have the radio on low. Sleeping in an “empty” room is mega difficult and to me, no radio or incense burning is an “empty” room. My only source of music is the PC. I use Napster and I listen to CD’s on here. It seems most of my life centers on this computer. (LOL) . The speakers are good and the sound goes around the house so that’s not a problem to hear it, it’s a problem to leave Napster on for an unspecified amount of time because of the sessions policy. I think I like to burn incense better anyway. But to go to bed with Cap, Little Gray or my friend is still an “empty” room. I tune them out. I forget they are there and I can’t even feel them next to me anymore. It’s harder to tune out the incense for some reason. It kind of keeps me grounded and therefore gives way to fewer flashbacks and panic attacks. The incense works well for me. Burning candles helps during the daytime but if I fall asleep then I risk the cat knocking it over and burning down the house…again. There was a fire here a few years ago. That might be why the floor is angled slightly. I don’t know the wood may have gotten wet or something. I don’t know, but burning down a house that survived one fire would certainly get me an eviction notice. No notice required! I just wouldn’t show back up.

I don’t let people in my bedroom much either. My neighbor UK doesn’t go in my bedroom. She doesn’t sit on my bed or anything like that. I don’t even have sex in my bed. It’s not gonna happen. I need to have my room with no memories of anything sexual (good or not good) so sex in my room is just off limits. Letting someone sit on my bed is difficult also. If you sit it’s very easy to pull your legs up and lay down. My mind works that way. I don’t want anyone lying down before I know it. And isn’t that the way it always starts off anyway? They’re sitting there beside you and next thing ya know…… so, I don’t let anyone in my room other than my pooch. I have a hard time with him licking himself on my bed. My bedroom issues are deep and many. I doubt that a dream of forgiveness will wipe those issues away.

Joan of Arc

Poll question for male and female survivors of physical and/or sexual abuse.

As relates to past abuses, do you have bed placement and/or doorway issues?
(The question of “issues” is a wide scope question.)

Placement, doorway & heavy covers are important
Placement, doorway & light or no covers are important
Placement & doorway
Placement
Doorway
None of the above but other bedroom issues due to past abuse.
No bedroom difficulties from past abuse. SEE NOTE

NOTE: The last answer choice in the mini poll has no relation to my friend’s dream of forgiveness. If your answer is that you have no bedroom issues related to past abuses then please feel free to answer accordingly. I hope to one day get to the point where my bedroom issues are resolved.

Bed Placement and Abuse Issues
4 December 2005 10:04 AM EST